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Curled Up

I had so much I wanted to write yesterday but I ended up being curled up in bed the whole day. In the morning, I woke up with a heavy chest, felt like my tears were somehow stuck inside of me. Hate it when that happens.

Khayla needed to be in school in the morning – she was chosen to be the emcee for a school event, Alhamdulillah. And Mr. Sunshine had to be with Khaleel at his swimming practice. So, I had to put on a mask & gather strength to drop Khayla off at her school.

I was not kidding when I said I spent the whole day curled up in bed. Even my watch reminded me to move. πŸ˜…

Why was I feeling so blergh?

Well, there was a business recognition event held yesterday. I was supposed to attend, but my psychiatrist advised that I take a step back from the business for a bit.

Has it been easy? HELL NO.

Because I have been programmed for years to push push push and push myself. Pretend that everything is OK.

Yet, I felt nothing I did was ever enough.

What more can I do?

Until it came to a point that every post & story I saw about the business was making me feel that I am not good enough. That I was being left behind. I am incompetent.

It was building up day by day that I had to mute a bunch of people’s posts & stories at the end of October when I thought I was already at my lowest low.

Little did I know that a lower lowest low was about to come when I received my official diagnosis…

And yesterday, I muted more people.

A close friend of mine reminded me to allow myself to feel whatever I was feeling yesterday. It was kind of challenging (and exhausting) because I still had to put on a smile in front of Mr Sunshine, Khayla & Khaleel. Oh, and not to forget Marlene, Marc & his family during dinner.

But if I were to list down my thoughts & feelings, these were among them…

Thought: “Why am I like this? Why am I not normal?”
Feeling(s): Helpless, Worthless, Inferior, Embarassed

Thought: “Everyone is happy & moving on without me.”
Feeling(s): Insignificant, Worthless, Inferior, Excluded

Thought: “I will never be as good as (insert names).”
Feeling(s): Inferior, Inadequate, Worthless, Embarassed, Helpless, Jealous

Thought: “I suck as a mother & wife – just lying down here like a loser.”
Feeling(s): Disappointed, Worthless, Annoyed, Embarassed, Frightened, Worried

Thought: “They are only friends with me because of the business.”
Feeling(s): Disappointed, Ashamed, Isolated, Abandoned

Thought: “How do I do this? I need the income.”
Feeling(s): Helpless, Frightened, Worried

I I could go on & on but let’s just stop there. Now you know why this exercise got me even more depressed in the beginning? πŸ˜…

This thought monitoring exercise actually requires me to not only notice each thought, but to think of an alternative thought. But I honestly wonder – does anyone ever have the time to do so for EVERY SINGLE THOUGHT?

I know I know, I have to help myself. But in my defense, there are other things I am working on too – so one step at a time?

You might be wondering, if it was so bad not to attend the event, why didn’t I just go?
Oh boy, that would have been a whole different nightmare. πŸ™ƒ

Until my next ‘thought diarrhea’, bye!


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Campaign of Misery

I am halfway through a podcast episode of On Purpose with Jay Shetty. His guest speaker is Mel Robbins and they are talking about how she has been engaging in her own ‘campaign of misery‘ for 50 years.

campaign of misery

I loved how Mel mentioned that she is a positive & optimistic person but if you put a speaker on her head and broadcast the things she said to herself, people would get her checked into a hospital.

This totally resonated with me, because I believe that I am a pretty positive person on the outside, but the thoughts that run through my head about myself are not very pretty. This was made pretty apparent when my psychologist gave me a homework to monitor & write down my daily thoughts – an exercise that initially made me feel even more miserable and ramped up my anxiety.

Boy, I am really the president of my very own campaign of misery.

“This is terrible. I have really nasty thoughts.”

Melissa Raffur

Another thing that resonated was when they talked about life not being binary – it is not 1 or 0.
Most of the time we think we need to make a choice.
You either gonna be a hustler or be peaceful
Either a winner or a loser.
You either gonna be filled with wisdom & zen or be materialistic.

This is exactly what I have been struggling with.

Through my BodyTalk (which reminds me, I want to go back & reflect on my sessions) & psychologist sessions, I have realized that I have been spending most of my life looking at myself as only able to be on either extremes.

I am either lazy or productive.
Either a good wife/mother/sister/friend/business leader or a bad one.

I struggle in finding the middle ground.

Fuhhh, this post got really heavy, huh?

This is just me lately I guess – been doing a lot of self reflection when I can (there are a lot of moments I really, really cannot a.k.a spiral).

Although I realise (and I hope many more people do) that depression goes deeper than this – in the words of the sister, “It’s literally a chemical thing kan.”, I believe there are certain things I can try to do besides the drugs to help me live with it.

So, gotta be more aware of this campaign of misery I am championing & try to not give it so much power.


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It is almost 1 am, and here I am lying on my bed unable to fall asleep.

The left side of my face hurts. I think it could be trigeminal neuralgia, triggered by my (also painful) cold sore.

So much has happened over the past few years & months that I do not know where to start.

Maybe it is wise that I start by sharing that I am struggling with depression and anxiety.
And that I am having a challenging time just accepting that.

When my previous post was written, I was told by a friend of mine who is a clinical psychologist that what I have been experiencing was actually depression.

And that my anxiety (the reason why I went to see him), was secondary to that.

It made sense for a bit.

But then my super ego kind of brushed it away and kept telling me that it is not a definite diagnosis.

I can’t possibly be depressed.
You should not be depressed, Melissa.
I should be happy.
I must be grateful.
I should be….

Then, I was seeing another clinical psychologist fortnightly for psychotherapy who had suggested I meet with a psychiatrist. She implied that I might need medication to ‘quiet my brain’ (my phrase, not hers). ☹️

With me currently working 6 days a week and then dedicating my only day off to my business, things were getting pretty rough.

I eventually decided to meet with a psychiatrist.

“You are unwell. You are depressed. And you have to accept it.”

I have to accept it.

Easier said (and typed) than done.

But it does make so much sense. Every single thing that I have been feeling, thinking and going through. All makes so much sense now!

Part of me trying to come to terms with everything is reading up about the symptoms & what I can do to help myself.

I plan to write another post on my personal symptoms – what it is actually like to be depressed. And how you can be around someone who is depressed and not even know…

Until then, I would appreciate your kind doa for me to get through this. And that I will actually have the strength to write another post soon.

I need to try to get some shut eye. Bye.


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