I had Lift Me Up by Rihanna on repeat on my Spotify on way back home from work yesterday night. And I was sobbing while singing.

It was so painful.

Fun fact: My no 1 song on Spotify this year was Lift Me Up. 🤭

Anyway, these past couple of days have been challenging.

Yesterday was especially difficult because I was doing a lot of thinking about my finances. The fact that Mr Sunshine is feeling the pinch too scares me. There is this guilt of having to trouble him. I know my friends (and my psychologist) tell me that I should not feel guilty, but I do.

Clouds of regret hover over me sometimes.
I should have picked the other job with the higher pay.
I should be able to earn more through my business.
Why did I do this? Why did I do that?

But ‘rational me’ knows that I am exactly where I am meant to be right now.
Unfortunately, in this present moment, ‘spiraling me’ is much stronger than ‘rational me’.

This morning I even told Mr Sunshine that I am feeling like I cannot cope with life anymore. 😢

What added to me being overwhelmed & anxious was that there was this one person who kept wanting to talk about a current gossip. The gossip of an influencer who cheated on his wife (he married the other woman). I managed to brush her off, but that was after having to listen to her talk about it the day before.

I have enough on my plate.
So I don’t want to talk & get riled up about what’s going on in other people’s lives.
Furthermore, we don’t even know them – how can we possibly know what really happened?

Anddd, of course, as much as people tell me not to think about it, the business is almost always in my head.

I keep asking myself, how do I do this business alongside my job without neglecting my mental health?
How do I show up & be a good example to my team if I am like this?
Howwwwwww?

“At the moment, I don’t think you can handle it, if you have to keep asking yourself the same question.”

Melissa’s friend

Then today, when I saw this screensaver on my tablet, I felt as if the cat was saying, “Wake up, Melissa! It’s already December!”
🤣🤣😢😢

Not to mention, there’s a tendency for people who take a break from the business to use the term “comeback” when they want to, well, come back into the business.
“Tapi soon Kak Mel akan comeback juga kan?”

This weighs heavy on me because what if I tell everyone that “Kak Mel is back!” and I regress?
For me, it might be like ‘come as I like’? Or ‘come when I can’? 🤔

Oh well, that’s that.

On a happier note, being able to express myself through my writing again feels good. Alhamdulillah.
Slowly finding my way back to my authentic self, maybe?
I don’t wanna jinx anything lah, haha.

Ok bye.

xoxo