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Category: babble

“What Are You Angry About?”

This morning, I woke up feeling angry.

Angry at myself that I slept earlier than Mr Sunshine while he was folding clothes outside our room.

I am also angry at myself for telling Mr Sunshine that I am not up for heading back to Batu Pahat next weekend. This is because I know I will be exhausted. We will be going to Sungai Petani the following weekend, and to Batu Pahat the weekend after that, for his brother’s nikah & bersanding etc.

Since I have one day off per week, we have been heading back to Batu Pahat on Saturday right after work. Then on Sunday night, we drive back to Shah Alam. Monday comes right after that, and it’s back to work.

Even typing that felt tiring.
It is tiring.
But I am OK if it is just once a month.

I can’t handle back to back traveling like that.

I know it was the right thing to do for myself. But I still feel bad. And I am angry. And tired.

As it is, I am already feeling anxious about taking the ETS to & fro Sungai Petani. Not looking forward to being on a train for hours.
Also anxious about being around so many people during the kenduri.
So I am angry at myself for being weak. Why the hell must you be this way, Melissa?

I am also angry at myself for letting Khaleel go for his swim meet last weekend. Because his finger that was slammed by a door last week was actually fractured. What kind of a mother does that?

I am also angry that I do not have enough money to pay for a few things this month. You screwed up, Melissa.

I am angry that I feel that people are moving so fast in business (and in life), yet here I am, moving like a sloth.
They say people move fast because they need the money, and that I can move at whatever pace I can.

There are so many things I am angry about.
And all I feel like doing is hide from everyone.

Hmm, I remember being asked by my psychiatrist, “What are you angry about?”
Maybe I should send her this post.


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This is An Achievement!

It’s 11:30 a.m and I have:

  • Walked indoor for an hour
  • Washed my hair
  • Applied henna on my hair (Khayla wanted to do so too, so we did it together 😍)
  • Hung all my dresses & jubahs which were in a basket for almost 2 weeks now
  • Ironed all Mr Sunshine’s work clothes for the week, and Khayla’s uniform for today’s graduation ceremony.
  • Cleared up the mess in the living room, and on dining table
  • Washed all the dishes including the kuali & rice cooker from 2 days ago (euw, I know. Mr Sunshine usually does it if I do not, but it’s been a hectic week for him too)
  • Got the diffusers running downstairs and smiled while doing it (they haven’t been on for ages!)
  • Tapped for 13 minutes

These might seem like nothing to most of you, but for me, this is an achievement!

Especially after such a mentally & emotionally challenging (and exhausting!) week. Up until last night, things were just so heavy that I wondered whether I will ever be OK.

This has been a hectic weekend with Khaleel’s Novice Swim Meet & Khayla’s graduation, Mr Sunshine’s run and me working. But Alhamdulillah everything is looking good so far.

And Alhamdulillah, Alhamdulillah, Alhamdulillah for this ‘morning of achievement’. Thank you Allah. 🥲

Oh, it just started raining very heavily.
I guess I’ll stop here for now.
Gotta go get ready for Khayla’s graduation ceremony – can’t believe she is finishing primary school already! Where did 12 years go? 🥲



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Lift Me Up

I had Lift Me Up by Rihanna on repeat on my Spotify on way back home from work yesterday night. And I was sobbing while singing.

It was so painful.

Fun fact: My no 1 song on Spotify this year was Lift Me Up. 🤭

Anyway, these past couple of days have been challenging.

Yesterday was especially difficult because I was doing a lot of thinking about my finances. The fact that Mr Sunshine is feeling the pinch too scares me. There is this guilt of having to trouble him. I know my friends (and my psychologist) tell me that I should not feel guilty, but I do.

Clouds of regret hover over me sometimes.
I should have picked the other job with the higher pay.
I should be able to earn more through my business.
Why did I do this? Why did I do that?

But ‘rational me’ knows that I am exactly where I am meant to be right now.
Unfortunately, in this present moment, ‘spiraling me’ is much stronger than ‘rational me’.

This morning I even told Mr Sunshine that I am feeling like I cannot cope with life anymore. 😢

What added to me being overwhelmed & anxious was that there was this one person who kept wanting to talk about a current gossip. The gossip of an influencer who cheated on his wife (he married the other woman). I managed to brush her off, but that was after having to listen to her talk about it the day before.

I have enough on my plate.
So I don’t want to talk & get riled up about what’s going on in other people’s lives.
Furthermore, we don’t even know them – how can we possibly know what really happened?

Anddd, of course, as much as people tell me not to think about it, the business is almost always in my head.

I keep asking myself, how do I do this business alongside my job without neglecting my mental health?
How do I show up & be a good example to my team if I am like this?

“At the moment, I don’t think you can handle it, if you have to keep asking yourself the same question.”

Melissa’s friend

Then today, when I saw this screensaver on my tablet, I felt as if the cat was saying, “Wake up, Melissa! It’s already December!”

Now even cats are judging me?🤣

Not to mention, there’s a tendency for people who take a break from the business to use the term “comeback” when they want to, well, come back into the business.
“Tapi soon Kak Mel akan comeback juga kan?”

This weighs heavy on me because what if I tell everyone that “Kak Mel is back!” and I regress?
For me, it might be like ‘come as I like’? Or ‘come when I can’? 🤔

Oh well, that’s that.

On a happier note, being able to express myself through my writing again feels good. Alhamdulillah.
Slowly finding my way back to my authentic self, maybe?
I don’t wanna jinx anything lah, haha.

Ok bye.


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