Someone suggested expressing myself through my writing again. So here I am, trying.

Daddy passed away 16 days ago, and I am reeling.

Daddy was a diabetic, a heart patient with chronic obstructive pulmonary disorder who went through a bypass surgery in 2018. Things pretty much went downhill after the surgery with him frequently telling us about him being in pain & still out of breath when he walks or exerts himself. He was always in and out of the hospital either for his appointments or being hospitalised. Towards the end of his life, he struggled with walking & carrying out basic daily activities on his own.

But, he was just discharged from the hospital a day before his death looking healthier than he was prior to admission.

So, nothing prepared me for this loss.

Losing Daddy who had become both a mother & father to me after Mummy passed away has burned a huge hole in my heart.

Grieving for me has not been a pretty sight.
Sleepless nights.
Crying myself to sleep.
Racked with guilt.
Engulfed with sadness.
Overwhelmed with shock.

And not to forget that excruciating pain I feel when I pick up my phone to text or video call Daddy only to remember he is not here anymore. Now who is gonna laugh at my silly jokes?

As at today, I am still avoiding calls from people because I still do not feel like talking about it (and end up crying) over the phone AND there’s this part of me which does not want to hear people telling me I should ‘move on’ or to not be sad. NO, NOT NOW. NOT AT THIS POINT OF TIME.

And for this I am grateful for WhatsApp/messages. Because no one can see you bawling your eyes out while you reply their messages.

My life now has been divided into life before and after Daddy passed away.

Besides Mr. Sunshine, he was the one I would call when I got sleeping while driving (which is all the time).
I would always ask him for his opinion on things I felt like venturing into.
He stood by me through my breakups – driving me to classes when I was too sad to take the public transportation.
I would send him photos of my ‘achievements’ whether it was emceeing, performing, or other stuff.
He would laugh at my silly jokes when others found them lame.

He was the reason I own a silver-coloured car instead of a red or black one I initially wanted because, “Red cars have the most accidents, girl,” and “Black cars will be hot.”

I can go on and on but the gist of it is that I am in pain.

I miss you, Daddy.
I know you are not in pain anymore.
But, I miss you. 

إِنَّا لِلّهِ وَإِنَّـا إِلَيْهِ رَاجِعون

Ya Allah Ya Tuhanku ampunilah Daddy, Abd Raffur bin Abd Raffar, rahmatilah Daddy, maafkanlah Daddy, muliakanlah kematiannya, lapangkanlah kuburnya, lindungilah Daddy daripada azab kubur, jadikanlah syurga sebagai ganti tempat tinggalnya dan berilah kesabaran kepada kami, semoga arwah ditempatkan di kalangan orang-orang yang beriman.
Ameen Ya Rabbal’alamin


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