It was interesting to note the fluctuation of my thoughts when I took a walk outdoors this morning.

Khaleel was with me the first 2 kilometers before I had to send him home because he got tired.
I was feeling grateful for being able to take a stroll outside after such a long time. I stopped walking outdoors because my monkey brain kept me focused on my pace. Things became less fun and more stressful when I did not walk at a certain pace. Plus my right foot hurt after my walks.

So I started walking indoors, instead. But I really did miss the morning breeze, the smell of grass in the mornings & the trees surrounding me.

Back to what happened this morning, when I was Khaleel, I had all this nice & comfortable thoughts & feelings. He was telling me that he was grateful Allah made him a human because humans have akal. We talked about dragonflies & grease stains a few other stuff. ❤️

As I was walking alone after I sent him home, slowly & automatically not very nice thoughts showed up! 🤦‍♀️

I was brought back to last night when Mr Sunshine & I were watching episode 10 of a korean drama, Daily Dose of Sunshine.

Mr Sunshine said something along the lines of, “Benda macam ni, semua orang pun ada rasa, sebab orang tahu aib kita kan.”

He was referring to a scene where a psychiatric nurse who was diagnosed with depression was feeling ashamed that she bumped into someone she knew at the hospital she was hospitalised in.

My immediate thought was – “So does he think what I am experiencing is biasa?”

Then these other thoughts started to flow through…
“Is he dismissing what I am going through?”
“Does he think I am making this up?”
“Maybe he is thinking that this is nothing serious.”

All these thoughts made me feel worthless, disappointed & unsupported. And I could feel my whole body becoming so heavy that I wished I was at home locked up in my room in bed – away from everyone.

There was also fear.
Fear of losing him (and all the people that I love) because I am like this.

I am aware not everyone can fully understand what goes on when you are in a depressive state, unless you’ve actually been through it. And that my thoughts could all be wrong.

I cannot expect anyone to support & understand me.

But is it so bad for just wanting someone to take a walk with me?


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