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Mid December Life Update!

Tiba-tiba ada mid-December life update. 😆

I survived the past week by dragging my feet to work on most days. There were moments I broke down at work. But Alhamdulillah – what’s important is I survived.

I started walking outdoors again on weekends (or on days I do not have to send kiddos to school in the morning). I’m actually starting to remember why I loved it. Besides my foot hurting and being so focused on my pace that I got overwhelmed, I loved how the morning breeze & sun made me feel. I loved how I could listen to Al-Mathurat or zikir while I walked. This was also the time I used to listen to podcasts and sometimes a fun playlist.

On Wednesday, I had a tearful conversation with the kiddos. I was asking them whether I could borrow their money to pay off some monthly commitments. Argh, that was so depressing. 😭

On Friday, we received news that they are closing down the pharmacy where I work at.
And they are giving all of us one month’s notice.
A part of me felt liberated because working 6 days a week was taking a toll me (read: depression). But of course, I am also worried about losing an income source. Especially now. 🫤

I need to get a new job!

Last Friday was Khayla & Khaleel’s last day at school for 2023. I still can’t believe Khayla will be starting secondary school next year zomg!

And yesterdayyy I had a breakthrough, Alhamdulillah.
Remember how I shared I was struggling with acceptance?
Well, it has been a rough 7 weeks since then, but yesterday I opened up to a colleague at work. I briefly shared about my diagnosis and what I was dealing with. She was really sweet about it, Alhamdulillah. That made me decide that maybe I am ready to share the truth with more people. Without the shame, or maybe with little shame. 😬
Today, I told my sisters-in law. I have been avoiding their questions about my wellbeing for quite some time now (as I have with so many other people!). What a relief that they now know.

Also today, I met up with Kesten. She is the first human being to meet me in person since November. Well, apart from my family and people at work. She proposed something that would hopefully help my business grow. We’ll see how it goes. Will share more deets as we progress.

There you go, my mid December life update! 😊

Stay tuned for more updates, ecewah.
OK bye!


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Take A Walk With Me

It was interesting to note the fluctuation of my thoughts when I took a walk outdoors this morning.

Khaleel was with me the first 2 kilometers before I had to send him home because he got tired.
I was feeling grateful for being able to take a stroll outside after such a long time. I stopped walking outdoors because my monkey brain kept me focused on my pace. Things became less fun and more stressful when I did not walk at a certain pace. Plus my right foot hurt after my walks.

So I started walking indoors, instead. But I really did miss the morning breeze, the smell of grass in the mornings & the trees surrounding me.

Back to what happened this morning, when I was Khaleel, I had all this nice & comfortable thoughts & feelings. He was telling me that he was grateful Allah made him a human because humans have akal. We talked about dragonflies & grease stains a few other stuff. ❤️

As I was walking alone after I sent him home, slowly & automatically not very nice thoughts showed up! 🤦‍♀️

I was brought back to last night when Mr Sunshine & I were watching episode 10 of a korean drama, Daily Dose of Sunshine.

Mr Sunshine said something along the lines of, “Benda macam ni, semua orang pun ada rasa, sebab orang tahu aib kita kan.”

He was referring to a scene where a psychiatric nurse who was diagnosed with depression was feeling ashamed that she bumped into someone she knew at the hospital she was hospitalised in.

My immediate thought was – “So does he think what I am experiencing is biasa?”

Then these other thoughts started to flow through…
“Is he dismissing what I am going through?”
“Does he think I am making this up?”
“Maybe he is thinking that this is nothing serious.”

All these thoughts made me feel worthless, disappointed & unsupported. And I could feel my whole body becoming so heavy that I wished I was at home locked up in my room in bed – away from everyone.

There was also fear.
Fear of losing him (and all the people that I love) because I am like this.

I am aware not everyone can fully understand what goes on when you are in a depressive state, unless you’ve actually been through it. And that my thoughts could all be wrong.

I cannot expect anyone to support & understand me.

But is it so bad for just wanting someone to take a walk with me?


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“What Are You Angry About?”

This morning, I woke up feeling angry.

Angry at myself that I slept earlier than Mr Sunshine while he was folding clothes outside our room.

I am also angry at myself for telling Mr Sunshine that I am not up for heading back to Batu Pahat next weekend. This is because I know I will be exhausted. We will be going to Sungai Petani the following weekend, and to Batu Pahat the weekend after that, for his brother’s nikah & bersanding etc.

Since I have one day off per week, we have been heading back to Batu Pahat on Saturday right after work. Then on Sunday night, we drive back to Shah Alam. Monday comes right after that, and it’s back to work.

Even typing that felt tiring.
It is tiring.
But I am OK if it is just once a month.

I can’t handle back to back traveling like that.

I know it was the right thing to do for myself. But I still feel bad. And I am angry. And tired.

As it is, I am already feeling anxious about taking the ETS to & fro Sungai Petani. Not looking forward to being on a train for hours.
Also anxious about being around so many people during the kenduri.
So I am angry at myself for being weak. Why the hell must you be this way, Melissa?

I am also angry at myself for letting Khaleel go for his swim meet last weekend. Because his finger that was slammed by a door last week was actually fractured. What kind of a mother does that?

I am also angry that I do not have enough money to pay for a few things this month. You screwed up, Melissa.

I am angry that I feel that people are moving so fast in business (and in life), yet here I am, moving like a sloth.
They say people move fast because they need the money, and that I can move at whatever pace I can.

There are so many things I am angry about.
And all I feel like doing is hide from everyone.

Hmm, I remember being asked by my psychiatrist, “What are you angry about?”
Maybe I should send her this post.


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