After my December and January updates, it is only fair that I have a February update as well. 😜

It has been one month since I became unemployed. Only a month and there has been so many ups & downs.

For the past week or so I have spent most of my days and hours in a slump, hence this previous post.

It has been a struggle to even force a smile.

I am finding it very challenging to keep my depression & anxiety at bay or ‘under control’, spiraling every now and then. I have realised that most of it stems from a root of lack of acceptance, the need to be in control of everything hence feeling incompetent or not good enough. And this encompasses so many aspects of my life, from how I look to how I am as a mother, wife, sister, friend & business owner.

Yesterday, I spent 98% of my time in bed.
Khayla asked me whether I had a mental illness, because “macam ada symptoms je“. 🥺
Khaleel on the other hand, told me that I am different. When I asked him how he felt about it, he said it makes him feel unsafe. 🥺
He has always told me that he feels the safest with me. 🥺

Anyway, I have decided to start looking for a new job.
So two days ago I passed my resume to the company I rejected last year. Let’s see if we hear back from them, if not, on to another one!
I have omitted the fact that I got worked up with anxiety during the whole process. Oh there I said it.

Breathe and let go, Melissa.

I have also made an appointment with another psychiatrist, all this spiraling have left me thinking that I might need that extra support (read: drugs).
And I am everything but happy with this fact.

That is all.


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