Not a day goes by without me feeling terrible TERRIBLE about not being able to fully breastfeed Khayla until at least 6 months. My milk supply has decreased tremendously(!) after I was down with fever and food poisoning a couple of weeks ago. These days, the amount I can express in a day is less than the amount I could express per session before ! The exhaustion from traveling back and forth from Gombak to Shah Alam everyday is also taking a toll on my milk supply. Khayla gets upset whenever she breastfeeds, because there’s just so little milk. To make matters worse, all the milk I have been collecting have gone down the drain because my freezer door wasn’t shut tightly a few days ago. :'(

Khayla is mostly on formula now.

It’s always heartbreaking to read harsh comments about mothers who don’t breastfeed their babies. Some people can be really mean, or perhaps I’m just being over-sensitive. I have nothing against mothers who feed their baby with formula milk, I’m just extremely disappointed with myself. I guess I had my hopes up too high.

I feel so inadequate.

I need to constantly remind myself that it’s ok to formula feed my baby. All my siblings and I were formula fed babies (after confinement).
I need to be grateful that I was able to fully breastfeed my baby for 4 months. Alhamdulillah.
I need to be thankful that Khayla is growing up healthily, tolerating milk and solids well.Alhamdulillah.

Dearest Dian Khayla, Mummy is terribly sorry for not being able to provide you with the best milk. I love you and I promise to provide you with the best of everything else. InshaAllah.

“Slowly, over time, I began to understand that my breastmilk was only one portion of Henry’s needs” (A Cup of Comfort for New Mothers: Stories that celebrate the miracle of life, 2009)


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6 Comments on i feel like a failure.

  1. dear kak mel,
    don’t feel bad ok? mommy yg bg anak dia fm is NOT a bad mother. and tak semestinya mommy yg fully bf is EXCELLENT, WONDERFUL mother. yg penting niat kita. xkan nk bg anak berlapar pulak just because kita BERMATI-MATIAN nk exclusive bf walaupun susu x cukup. apa yg penting kesihatan/kebajikan anak terjaga.
    so pls don’t feel terrible ya? kdg2 rasa annoyed gak ngn mak2 yg fully bf anak dia ni. just because org lain bg fm, terus nk label org bad mother la, plus all the harsh comments.
    so, cheers! as long as khayla happy, membesar dgn sihat kira oklah…
    remember this, lil gem of yours will ALWAYS AND ALWAYS SEES YOU AS THE BEST MOMMY IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD!!


  2. melissa, i faced the same problem. did u try power pumping and fenugreek? you can try again to relactation and pump for at least every 3 hours for 20 mins for each breast and take fenugreek (herbs to boost your milk supply). if you dont mind to give it a go, i believe you can do it melissa. Its never too late to at least try, who knows, it may work for you:)

    cuba melissa, jangan putus asa:)


  3. Hi Mel… i miss reading ur blog! where have u been… haha kidding.. i know uve been bz with things. olololooo… come come i give u a hug… hey listen mommy… dun feel dat way ok… u are NOT A TERRIBLE MOM! khayla loves u and adore u! my mom only breastfed me till i was 3 months old and look at me? i turned out well (cewahh poyo sikit kat situ). bottom line is… ok, we tried our best to give our babies the best milk dat Allah created for us n our children, but it Allah too who has the right to take dat gift away. Pedulikkan those moms who look down on u. Tell them… breastmilk is rezeki Allah. if He wants to take it back, who are we to judge. and we all know how hard uve tried. iskkk i hate these moms.. they’re supposed to be supportive n understanding.. u know from one mom to another, not condemn each other! haihh… nvm… at least u can proudly tell khayla when she’s bigger that she has been breastfed! ok? chin up.. btw ur darling khayla is looking more n more pretty! n she’s thriving!!! tgk tangan tu… berketak! comel just like her momma! take care ok… cheer up mel…

  4. mel..dont feel bad..u r not a bad mother at all…if u still want to bf khayla, mayb u can just stat all over again..but gombak-shah alam..of coz mel penatt sangat kn…

    freezer not closed properly? how many ebm gone? same goes too akak dl..100ml = almost 30feedings gone…

    but akak xpaham yg hardcore nk bf their child, if u r not able to do is the only option..xyah sampai ada bank susu or ada ibu we all survived by drinking fm when we were a baby kan?

    there were time akak xsihat and production drop..but akak not giving up..akak wat power pumping smua..n akak pump while driving..huhu..doesnt skip any meals..n makan sgt banyak so hoping susu will back to normal..

    while pumping tu..mel jgn stress..jgn asyik tgk how much u collected..tgk gambar n video khayla smua..but if xde rezeki..dont be sad ok!!

    be strong dik..giv the best education for khayla!!! thats wayyy to important tau..

  5. x da menda la… either formula/ breast milk people still ckp mcm2… my experience lg teruk, too public to tell u here, btw faruq hakim dah start campur formula masa 3 month (2month ++ ), due to decreasing milk supply gak, bila dah mula kerja ana nk dapat banyak susu dah susah…

    but then try give him direct feed bila i’m with him… after that he used to both fomula n direct breastfeed but yg susah skrg dgn mummy dia nak direct je memanjang…

    percayalah… org x akan berhenti bercakap, yg penting we know what best for out kid… penat kita bersalinkan depa, x kan we’re such a bad mummy… no way…

  6. Naddy: Itulah, I don’t understand the labels. It makes people who can’t breastfeed for whatever reason, feel awful. Thanks so much Naddy ! Hugs.

    Nana: Where can I get the fenugreek ye ? Thanks dear. 🙂

    Dina: I was breastfed during confinement only and I don’t think I turn out too bad (nak poyo jugak, haha). It’s just that I feel like I’m being judged harshly for not fully breastfeeding my baby. So sedih. I guess I need to ignore all the negativity, huh ? Thanks so much Dina !Hugs.

    Zurai:Memang penat gila kak. Isk. Thanks for the words of comfort kak, giving my baby formula is not the end of the world kan ? Hehe. Thanks so much !

    Ana: Thanks dear. What happened with your breastfeeding experience ? Boleh share ? Through message pun ok. Itu lah, I need to pekakkan telinga lah kot. Isk.

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