Curled Up

I had so much I wanted to write yesterday but I ended up being curled up in bed the whole day. In the morning, I woke up with a heavy chest, felt like my tears were somehow stuck inside of me. Hate it when that happens.

Khayla needed to be in school in the morning – she was chosen to be the emcee for a school event, Alhamdulillah. And Mr. Sunshine had to be with Khaleel at his swimming practice. So, I had to put on a mask & gather strength to drop Khayla off at her school.

I was not kidding when I said I spent the whole day curled up in bed. Even my watch reminded me to move. 😅

Why was I feeling so blergh?

Well, there was a business recognition event held yesterday. I was supposed to attend, but my psychiatrist advised that I take a step back from the business for a bit.

Has it been easy? HELL NO.

Because I have been programmed for years to push push push and push myself. Pretend that everything is OK.

Yet, I felt nothing I did was ever enough.

What more can I do?

Until it came to a point that every post & story I saw about the business was making me feel that I am not good enough. That I was being left behind. I am incompetent.

It was building up day by day that I had to mute a bunch of people’s posts & stories at the end of October when I thought I was already at my lowest low.

Little did I know that a lower lowest low was about to come when I received my official diagnosis…

And yesterday, I muted more people.

A close friend of mine reminded me to allow myself to feel whatever I was feeling yesterday. It was kind of challenging (and exhausting) because I still had to put on a smile in front of Mr Sunshine, Khayla & Khaleel. Oh, and not to forget Marlene, Marc & his family during dinner.

But if I were to list down my thoughts & feelings, these were among them…

Thought: “Why am I like this? Why am I not normal?”
Feeling(s): Helpless, Worthless, Inferior, Embarassed

Thought: “Everyone is happy & moving on without me.”
Feeling(s): Insignificant, Worthless, Inferior, Excluded

Thought: “I will never be as good as (insert names).”
Feeling(s): Inferior, Inadequate, Worthless, Embarassed, Helpless, Jealous

Thought: “I suck as a mother & wife – just lying down here like a loser.”
Feeling(s): Disappointed, Worthless, Annoyed, Embarassed, Frightened, Worried

Thought: “They are only friends with me because of the business.”
Feeling(s): Disappointed, Ashamed, Isolated, Abandoned

Thought: “How do I do this? I need the income.”
Feeling(s): Helpless, Frightened, Worried

I I could go on & on but let’s just stop there. Now you know why this exercise got me even more depressed in the beginning? 😅

This thought monitoring exercise actually requires me to not only notice each thought, but to think of an alternative thought. But I honestly wonder – does anyone ever have the time to do so for EVERY SINGLE THOUGHT?

I know I know, I have to help myself. But in my defense, there are other things I am working on too – so one step at a time?

You might be wondering, if it was so bad not to attend the event, why didn’t I just go?
Oh boy, that would have been a whole different nightmare. 🙃

Until my next ‘thought diarrhea’, bye!

xoxo