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Category: emo


I do not want to go back there.


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in ruins.

Received a phone call a couple of minutes ago.

“Get ready to extend sahaja lah.”




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sigh sigh sigh.

Happy Friday everyone.
Hope that all of you are doing ok.
This is an emotional post, stop here if you don’t feel like being dragged into my depressing rants.

I am on medical leave at home and am advised to isolate myself from everyone else.
I fell sick with cough, flu along with on and off fever after working the night shift last Monday night. Which is a cause to worry, I guess.
I was started on Oseltamivir as chemoprophylaxis.
I called my preceptor yesterday and told him that I’d come back to work if I feel better, but he told me to stay at home and rest it out and come back on Monday.
The only thing I am worried about is my leave, which I have none left.
I was content with the news that I did not have to extend this phase after discussion with our Head of Department last month, and then I just had to fall sick again, didn’t I ?
Double sigh.
I don’t want to have to extend this and lose my seniority. OK it’s not actually about the seniority status. Who cares ?
Triple sigh.
And just when I tweeted about having a week left from last Tuesday to settle everything (ie: finish up my clinical work, my research write up, get my log book signed by the four preceptors I have left), THIS had to happen.


My mind is so cluttered I wish I could blow my brains out.

Mr Sunshine has the chickenpox and is on leave for two weeks.
And that just adds to this depressing state I am in.


What’s worse than sighing every second ?
So I’ll do just that.


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money money money, always sunny, in the rich man’s world.

I am at work, dispensing medications and at the same time putting in the final touches to my presentation.
I am just saying ‘final touches’, I am sure will be touching it again tonight. Presentation is tomorrow ! Don’t know whether to be happy that it’s all gonna be over and done with soon, or to be nervous.
I emailed a copy of my slides to Mr Sunshine and his response was touching.

Bangga saya dengan awak. Research dah almost siap walaupun banyak halangan,” he said.
I felt tears collecting in my eyes after receiving his sms.


I would not say that I have been going through terrible times (I know of others who have or are going through worse) but they’re not exactly happy times either.

And no, this has nothing to do with my love life. Or work life.
I admit work has not been a bed of roses for me but I am still continuously grateful that I actually have a job and I’m making my own money which is very important. I know all the things I experience everyday at work are invaluable lessons.
Even so, making your own money comes with a whole lot of responsibilities.
I have Daddy, Marc and Marlene, the house bills and expenses etc etc to think about.
With Daddy not getting any younger, Marc still studying and Marlene just starting university, I am supposed to be the one to take charge of everything.
I believe I have failed in providing them with a better life, and I wished I could give more. I really, really wish so. :'(
I am trying.
I already have my expenses planned out until August (the month of Syawal) if you know what I mean, and I cannot relate to those who go on shopping trips every month after pay day.
Whenever an urge to get something comes up, it will usually always be suppressed by the fact that I don’t really need it. Hence, I only buy what’s really, really necessary.
I am sorry I don’t have any new blouses or heels or handbags to talk/blog about every now and then.

I have never had to look for my own money when I was my sister’s age. Being young and immature, I worked and quit whenever I wished. I knew Mummy (I miss !) and Daddy were there to provide for us.
Circumstances have changed, and now Marlene has had to work and earn her own money to get her necessities. This fact makes me tremendously sad.
Marc has to refrain from spending too much as he only has his PTPTN money to survive on.
Daddy is now depending on me, Kak Siti and sometimes, Kak Liza.
Daddy thinks a lot. It saddens me that at his age he still has so much on his mind.
I worry about them incessantly. Mr Sunshine would be my witness to this. :'(

Nevertheless I am so truly proud of my siblings for being as strong and independent as they are right now. And Daddy for staying brave and patient through everything.
I pray that in the future we would see brighter days, InsyaAllah.
I believe He has planned all this for a reason.
If we do not taste hardship, we would not know how to appreciate His blessings.

Daddy, Marc and Marlene,
I apologize for being far from a perfect daughter and sister. I am sorry that I have failed to shower all of you with lavishness like I have always intended to and make your lives worry-free. 🙁
But you know you can count on me to try my best.

I am blessed and grateful to have you three, my best friends (you know who you are) and Mr Sunshine as my huge support system. 🙂

p/s: This was not meant to gather sympathy from anyone. Just venting. 🙂


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were is past tense.

It has dawned on me that maybe you are confused as to who I really am. As a person, and to you.
I am a bit ticked off about what you perceive is going on in my head.
Seriously lah, I have more important matters to worry about.
If you can go on with your daily routine while choosing to ignore and acknowledge my existence as you please, I do not see why it should be any different for me.
I am lost in terms of how to respond to your play of innocence, immaturity and superficiality.
Things change, people change.
We actually grow up and get out of the little bubble you are choosing to stay in.


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gotta have E71.

My body temperature has returned to normal after almost 48 hours.
I guess I needed the two days worth of rest.
There’s still this annoying slight cough but my throat’s not so sore anymore.

Faiz had an appointment with a Dermatologist at the hospital last Friday evening. He called me earlier to warn me he’d be dropping by and that he’d be wanting to have coffee plus chit chat with me after work.
And so we had coffee (chocolate for me) at Starbucks, Alamanda. He gave me a tour of his iPhone 3G which I thought was pretty cool but I would not see myself getting one. Not my kinda gadget. I’m more of a E71 or Blackberry Bold person. Hee.

Lene came over later that night and we watched Monsters vs Aliens together. She spent the night here and accompanied me to my fellow PRP, Mizah’s wedding last Saturday. I had some work to do so we went to the hospital after the wedding and stayed until almost six in the evening.

Headed to AEON Setiawangsa to look for a few much needed things after freshening up, but went home empty handed. Sigh.

On Sunday Daddy and I went for Lene’s Majlis Anugerah Pelajar Cemerlang SPM Gombak (organized by Biro Pelajaran and Hal Ehwal Pelajar UMNO Bahagian Gombak) at Hotel Putra.
The whole thing was a tad boring, but I felt super proud as usual for my little sister. 🙂
Plus, the food was delicious.

Anndddd I started feeling sick that afternoon. 🙁

Currently feeling a bit off, received an unnecessary phone call and a couple of annoying text messages. Sigh.

I need to focus.
It’s tough. I’m doing one thing but in my mind I’m worrying about another thing.
Stressed nya !

I am so dead.

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anti emotions.

Sometimes not feeling is the only way to survive.
(The Secret Life of Bees, 2008)


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I failed to complete whatever I needed to complete last week.
But I successfully created a number of excuses to why I could not complete them.

I cried so much last week that I had constant headaches every day.
There was this one hour phone call the boyfriend made to me last week which was basically just me sobbing, muttering words he could not make out the meanings of. For the whole one hour.
I PMS like mad.

Putting that aside, I made a very rash decision to take a drive to Kuantan last Friday.
Ok kidding, I took the bus.
I cannot imagine me driving that far alone, at night. Yet.

I know I said that the boyfriend and I were not gonna meet until July but that was when I did not know he would not be working last Saturday. Hee.
So right after work, I rushed to the Petronas station at Precint 9 with hope that there would be Transnasional tickets left for that night.
They were all sold
out but I was lucky enough to have one customer who sold his/her ticket back ! So I managed to get my hands on one 10:30 pm ticket to Kuantan and bought a return ticket from Kemaman too.
I left the house a bit late, rushed to the ERL station, parked my car there and got on the KLIA Transit to Bandar Tasik Selatan and took the LRT to Plaza Rakyat.
I was already texting Mr Sunshine letting him know that I might not be in time. 🙁
I had a real good exercise that night, power walking to the point my sweat was dripping all over. I gave out evil stares to everyone who stared at me that night. Bengang sikit. Hee.

I reached Puduraya a couple of minutes before 10:30 pm, only to find out that my bus was delayed.
Finally boarded the bus at 11:00pm and reached Kuantan at around 3 am.
I had to wait for an hour for Mr Sunshine to come get me as he had trouble waking up earlier.
We drove to Teluk Cempedak and had an early breakfast at KFC.
I brought my lappie and helped Mr Sunshine with creating his research data collection form. I did some reading on my clinical cases too.

We took an early morning stroll by the beach while it was drizzling. *heart smiles*

He brought me to watch Night At The Museum 2 at Teruntum Complex.
He dozed off halfway through the movie !
I was still hanging on.
The movie was alright lah, I prefer the first one though.

Had pizza for lunch and seafood for dinner. NYUM !
The amount of seafood we ordered was enough to feed four people but we managed to swallow everything up.

Look at those panda eyes !


Keep in mind that I did sleep for more than 24 hours by that time. Awak dapat tidur dalam cinema, tak adil !
But I succumbed to fatigue on our way back to Kemaman.
Mr Sunshine said I was mumbling with my eyes closed. How’s that for being nuts ?
Took the 1 am bus reached home at 7 am.

Oh oh, here’s a little something for all you Man United fans.

Tak tahu kenapa Rooney bongkok like that.


So that was my exhausting yet exciting Saturday.

Ok so now let’s take a look at pictures of my fat legs.

Does not look too bad ? Check out the close ups.

Awful, right ? Itches like crazy, stings like hell.
Most of the time I scratch is when I am asleep lah. :'(

Work tomorrow.


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self reflection.

Behold, thy Lord said to the angels: “I will create a vicegerent on earth.” They said: “Wilt Thou place therein one who will make mischief therein and shed blood? Whilst we do celebrate Thy praise and glorify Thy holy (name)?” He said: “I know what ye know not.”

Surah Al-Baqarah 2:30

I have only created Jinns and men, that they may serve Me.

Surah Az-Zariyat 51:56


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and you played badminton.

She glances at the yellow paper and saw what she was hoping not see.
She was lost for words.
“Again ???!”, she kept questioning herself.
She was strong enough to hold her emotions in until she was alone in her car.
It was then when the wailing started.

Four hours had passed and she is still weeping.
She is convinced that there can be no human being who is doltish as she is.
She locks herself in her room, so that the people in her house does not see the swollen teary eyed woman she chose to be tonight.


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