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Archive of ‘emo’ category

confinement blues.

Day 22 of confinement.
I am halfway through ! Alhamdulillah.
Mr. Sunshine is back in Kuala Berang as he starts work tomorrow, so it’s me and Khayla at my in-laws.
I have got to admit that I’m not coping so well emotionally.
I think it’s partly due to the lack of sleep which every new parent is bound to experience with a newborn.
I have been so accustomed to getting at least 7 hours of sleep every night before this, so adapting to 1 to 2 hours of sleep is tough !
Khayla is not the only baby in this house, because I have also had my share of crying spells. Sometimes I just break down for no obvious reason. Exhaustion maybe ?
It’s painful not to have Mr Sunshine by my side because he is the one who has been my rock, comforting and consoling me without fail, rubs my back when I am nursing Khayla in the middle of the night, hugs me the minute he sees tears in my eyes and of course he is my partner in putting Khayla to sleep. :'(
Mr. Sunshine, if you’re reading this, I miss you and I need you. *nangis*

I know I should be grateful to have my in-laws here taking care of me and trust me, I am ! But I am sure wives out there would understand how it is like being away from your husbands. Especially in times like these.

I hope I don’t end up with post-partum depression.

22 days old Dian Khayla is doing good, Alhamdulillah.
She feeds, poops, pees, cries and sleeps every day. Hehe.

This year is my first year celebrating Eid as a mother, Alhamdulillah. I had to borrow my sister in-law’s baju kurung this year as I foolishly didn’t get one for myself (and Mr. Sunshine) and also because I can’t fit into the one I brought from Kuala Berang.
Daddy, Marc, Lene and Linn came over on the third day of Eid and spent half a day here. :)
Here are a few of my Eid snapshots.

Khayla with Atuk ! 😉

Khayla with her Uncle and Aunts. :)

My awesome in-laws. :)

My everything. :)

I pray for the strength to get through the days ahead. Ameen.
I need to stay strong for Khayla.

GOTTA


STAY


POSITIVE !

*nangis*

xoxo

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send someone to love me.

Mr Sunshine and I went shopping for baby stuff yesterday after work. Bought a couple more pairs of baby clothes, a baby bathing tub, a bedding set, disposable diapers and a few other necessities.
I was pretty excited and surprisingly energized that there were even times I was the one telling Mr. Sunshine to rest and wait for me while I walked up and down the staircase of the departmental store looking for stuff. But of course he wouldn’t leave me to do all that walking on my own. Hehe.
It’s no surprise that all that energy I had fizzled just after 2 hours of shopping. Hehe.

There are some other things that I am planning to get before giving birth:
(All images are from Google Images)

1) A breast pump.

As I intend to breastfeed my baby exclusively, I wanted to get a dual pump. But considering the cost, I have decided to go with a single electric pump, the Medela Swing. The only problem or question that I have with a single pump is, will my other breast leak milk while I am pumping ? If it does, then wouldn’t it be a total waste ? Should I get a cheaper manual pump to pump both sides ? *pening*

The main reasons that I have chosen Medela Swing is because of its 2 Phase Expression Technology, similar to Freestyle which has garnered so much positive reviews. Plus it can operate on batteries too, which I think would come in handy if I happen to be stuck in a jam or whenever there’s a blackout. Hehe.

2) Nursing bras

I’ve only bought one pair of these so I definitely need more.

3) A nursing pillow. 

I consider this a necessity because I am prone to have back pains and sore arms etc etc. Prevention is always better than cure. 😀

I sure hope whatever we have purchased for Mini Mel is enough at least until I finish my confinement period.
Speaking of which, I will be in Batu Pahat after I give birth, InshaAllah. Mum in-law will be taking care of me and baby during my confinement. As much as I want to give birth in KL, near Daddy, Marc and Marlene, it’s best that I deliver my baby as near as possible to my in-laws. Hence, Batu Pahat would be the wisest choice.
I’ve been having my good share of sleepless nights about this. I have never stayed over at my in-laws without Mr. Sunshine and that’s something I’ve gotta prepare myself for because I can’t expect Mr. Sunshine to take a whole month’s leave to stay with me. He obviously has to go back to work.
Now don’t take this the wrong way, my in-laws are great, but being away from Mr Sunshine (and Daddy, Marc & Lene) while I deal with postpartum pain, and the pressures of adjusting to being a new mum is something I am not sure I am capable enough to deal with. :(

I know it’s all for the best, for both baby and I.
I hope the one week leave before my EDD will be approved.
I hope I get to go back in time to deliver my baby in Batu Pahat.
Ameen.

But at the end of the day, we can only plan. InshaAllah.

xoxo

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out of sorts.

Credits to Google Images.

xoxo

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did they hear that ?

I am finding it hard to put into words how I am feeling right now.
It’s the sucky after-feeling of when you’ve maxed out your energy meter by building up so much anxiety for something.
It’s how your heart just can’t stop keeping still after that something ends, yet your mind’s just blank.

I’m not making sense, aren’t I ?

xoxo

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not being able to meet you for the past year is unacceptable.

I miss you so very much. :'(

One year is just too long, toooooo long ! *nangis*

xoxo

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she’s almost 2 kilos now !

anx·i·e·ty   [ang-zahy-i-tee]
–noun, plural -ties.
1. distress or uneasiness of mind caused by fear of danger or misfortune: He felt anxiety about the possible loss of his job.
2. earnest but tense desire; eagerness: He had a keen anxiety to succeed in his work.
3. Psychiatry . a state of apprehension and psychic tension occurring in some forms of mental disorder. source

At 30 weeks pregnant, I am plagued with anxiety 24-7.

I am starting have second thoughts about delivering my baby in a government hospital, no thanks to my brief yet traumatizing (haha) maternity ward admission last week.

I doubt I am capable to withstand the pain which comes along with labour. I have a wayyy low pain threshold.
I am afraid that I would not be able to stop myself from screaming in pain and the nurses/doctor would get annoyed and angry at me and I would get depressed and that would lead to me not having enough energy to push and………………………….

I am unsure whether I have it in me to be a good mother. I have never been good with babies. I don’t even know the proper way to hold a newborn ! *gasps*
Don’t get me wrong, I love babies, but I have never actually had to take care of one.

Ok, I should stop over-thinking things.

But these concerns of mine are normal, right ? RIGHHHHTTTTTT ??

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Mr. Sunshine has been away in Kelantan since yesterday and will only be back this Thursday, InshaAllah. As he goes on these work trips pretty often, I have gotten quite used to staying home alone.
This time around, I am slightly nervous, especially because my hospital bag is only halfway ready. We have packed all of the baby’s necessities but as far as my essentials are concerned, there are a few more things I need to add in the bag.

Baby’s clothes washed and dried. This is just to show how cute and tiny they are !! Hehe.
 My Hospital Bag checklist

Baby’s essentials
7 pieces of disposable diapers DONE
2 pairs of rompers DONE
1 pair of long sleeved top & bottom DONE
1 bottle of telon oil DONE
I pack of baby wipes DONE
1 piece of a hooded baby towel DONE
1 piece of a hooded baby blanket DONE
2 sets of mittens & booties DONE
1 set of baby toiletries DONE
1 piece of baby binder (I wonder if I should pack more) DONE
3 pieces of washcloths DONE

Mummy’s essentials
2 pairs of blouses –
1 pair of socks DONE
2 pieces of kain batik DONE
3 pieces of nursing bras
1 pack of disposable panties (not too sure whether this will be enough) DONE
Toiletries – cleanser, toothbrush, toothpaste DONE except for my cleanser.
1 Towel DONE
1 pack of maternity pads (I packed my normal sanitary pads) DONE
1 pack of disposable breast pads DONE
1 sweater – I can’t fit any of my sweaters anymore ! Haha.
1 instant hijab
Surah Yasin
Antenatal checkup record book

Apparently I should have been done with the packing and the bag should be in the trunk of my car or somewhere near my house door, you know, just in case. *starts to panic*

I should give my back & head a rest right now before I hurt myself.
Goodnight.

xoxo

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“you’re the worst.”

You know you need a rescue when the mere fact that you’re suffering from constipation makes you feel like a total failure.

It’s just preposterous how a few snide remarks can leave you feeling miserable for so long.

xoxo

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who do you think you are ?

Good morning.
I was awaken earlier than usual this morning, because I dozed off just after 2100 hours last night.
Mr. Sunshine was not even back from his futsal game at the time.

I felt so drained, albeit yesterday being the only first day of my working week. I had trouble sleeping the night before.
In addition to that, I came back from work, with tears in my eyes. And continued to cry until I fell asleep. :”(

Initially, I thought I knew for sure why I was bawling my eyes out, but as the night progressed, I was confused.
I was aware I should not let her words get to me, but I did.
So I ended up questioning myself. Doubting myself. I was overwhelmed. Last night was just so messed up.
Sigh.

But today is a new day, so I shall try to leave the past behind and brace myself for what’s ahead !
Sound believable enough ? Haha.

Have a good week everyone !

xoxo

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so lonesome for you.

My medical leave has been extended until today. So that’s a total of 5 days of leave, 7 if you add the weekend, but I’m working this weekend so it will be only 5 days for me.
I fell sick in the middle of the week, with an awful sore throat and flu. I am OK now, Alhamdulillah. Asam Jawa juice works wonders !
A week of medical leave might help me physically, but it’s done almost nothing for me emotionally.
I don’t think I’ll be traveling back to Gombak anytime soon. :(
People keep telling me that I shouldn’t be so stressed up because I am expecting. Some things are definitely easier said than done.

It has been raining non stop over here in Kuala Berang.
My heart has been as gloomy as the weather.

I am so blessed to have my Sunshine here with me. Alhamdulillah.

xoxo

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i feel like quitting my job.

Seriously, that’s how I have been feeling for the past two weeks.
Mr Sunshine has received two text messages from me telling that, “Saya seriously nak berhenti kerja !” while I was at work.
I don’t know what has gotten into me, but lately I have not been able to handle all the stress at work so well.
It could be due to the recent going ons in my life, with Daddy being unwell, with the distracting pain I have been enduring and of course, work itself.

Even one minuscule thought about work can make me soooo tensed up, I get worried that I might go crazy.
Take this morning for example, I woke up and work was the first thing that crossed my mind, I felt all the muscles in my body tighten while I stared at the ceiling trying to calm myself down.

I can burst into tears any time right now.

I’m happy for those of you who are at peace with your respective jobs and love doing it day in day out but I just can’t say the same for myself.

I do not know how long I can go on faking smiles.

P.S: THANK YOU ALL FOR ALL YOU KIND THOUGHTS AND WELL WISHES HERE, ON FACEBOOK OR THROUGH THE PHONE ! YOU GUYS ARE AWESOME ! YES, I MEAN YOU ! ;D

xoxo

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