page contents

Category: emo

Mid February Life Update!

After my December and January updates, it is only fair that I have a February update as well. 😜

It has been one month since I became unemployed. Only a month and there has been so many ups & downs.

For the past week or so I have spent most of my days and hours in a slump, hence this previous post.

It has been a struggle to even force a smile.

I am finding it very challenging to keep my depression & anxiety at bay or ‘under control’, spiraling every now and then. I have realised that most of it stems from a root of lack of acceptance, the need to be in control of everything hence feeling incompetent or not good enough. And this encompasses so many aspects of my life, from how I look to how I am as a mother, wife, sister, friend & business owner.

Yesterday, I spent 98% of my time in bed.
Khayla asked me whether I had a mental illness, because “macam ada symptoms je“. 🥺
Khaleel on the other hand, told me that I am different. When I asked him how he felt about it, he said it makes him feel unsafe. 🥺
He has always told me that he feels the safest with me. 🥺

Anyway, I have decided to start looking for a new job.
So two days ago I passed my resume to the company I rejected last year. Let’s see if we hear back from them, if not, on to another one!
I have omitted the fact that I got worked up with anxiety during the whole process. Oh there I said it.

Breathe and let go, Melissa.

I have also made an appointment with another psychiatrist, all this spiraling have left me thinking that I might need that extra support (read: drugs).
And I am everything but happy with this fact.

That is all.

xoxo

Share Button

No One Truly Understands

Yesterday, someone asked me…

Kenapa you macam deteriorating? Adakah potentially you baca and explore more about what you have, and then you start developing the symptoms from your reading?

And it stabbed me in my heart.

Because:

  1. I have not been going down that rabbit hole of reading up anymore, they are all pretty much the same thing
  2. She is one of my close friends, and I confide in her a lot and I felt like she was blaming me, for what is happening, for my mental health
  3. She said that I have been avoiding triggers but am still spiraling. Little did she know, that my triggers are all around me. It is not only what she thinks they are.

What she said has been lingering in my head since then. And there is still that pain in my heart.

But then again, I need to realise that, no one will truly understand what, why & how.

No one truly understands.

xoxo

Share Button

Take A Walk With Me

It was interesting to note the fluctuation of my thoughts when I took a walk outdoors this morning.

Khaleel was with me the first 2 kilometers before I had to send him home because he got tired.
I was feeling grateful for being able to take a stroll outside after such a long time. I stopped walking outdoors because my monkey brain kept me focused on my pace. Things became less fun and more stressful when I did not walk at a certain pace. Plus my right foot hurt after my walks.

So I started walking indoors, instead. But I really did miss the morning breeze, the smell of grass in the mornings & the trees surrounding me.

Back to what happened this morning, when I was Khaleel, I had all this nice & comfortable thoughts & feelings. He was telling me that he was grateful Allah made him a human because humans have akal. We talked about dragonflies & grease stains a few other stuff. ❤️

As I was walking alone after I sent him home, slowly & automatically not very nice thoughts showed up! 🤦‍♀️

I was brought back to last night when Mr Sunshine & I were watching episode 10 of a korean drama, Daily Dose of Sunshine.

Mr Sunshine said something along the lines of, “Benda macam ni, semua orang pun ada rasa, sebab orang tahu aib kita kan.”

He was referring to a scene where a psychiatric nurse who was diagnosed with depression was feeling ashamed that she bumped into someone she knew at the hospital she was hospitalised in.

My immediate thought was – “So does he think what I am experiencing is biasa?”

Then these other thoughts started to flow through…
“Is he dismissing what I am going through?”
“Does he think I am making this up?”
“Maybe he is thinking that this is nothing serious.”

All these thoughts made me feel worthless, disappointed & unsupported. And I could feel my whole body becoming so heavy that I wished I was at home locked up in my room in bed – away from everyone.

There was also fear.
Fear of losing him (and all the people that I love) because I am like this.

I am aware not everyone can fully understand what goes on when you are in a depressive state, unless you’ve actually been through it. And that my thoughts could all be wrong.

I cannot expect anyone to support & understand me.

But is it so bad for just wanting someone to take a walk with me?

xoxo

Share Button