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Category: emo

it’s depressing.

Currently feeling: Disheartened
Currently listening to: Little Black Sandals – Sia

It’s depressing when you have hips as huge as an elephant’s leg.
It’s more depressing when other people point it out like she did. (Fuck you, thank you.)
It’s depressing when your hopes of something/one suddenly gets blurry.
It’s depressing when you know you were once there, yet you’re the one who screwed it all up.
It’s depressing when you feel unpretty and insecure the whole time you’re out when you’re supposed to be having a good time with your friends.

It’s so bloody fucking depressing !

I’m not happy, thanks.
I just wanna feel comfortable in my own skin, please.
I don’t wanna hurt anymore, please.

But, right now, I just wanna cry.

xoxo

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i just wanna belong.

Currently feeling: Perplexed
Currently listening to: Here I Am – Natalie Gauci

Have you ever felt like you didn’t really belong where you are ?
It’s a shitty kinda feeling I tell you.

xoxo

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10D.

Currently feeling: Melancholic
Currently listening to: Something To Believe In – Aqualung

Stepping into the exact ward Mummy stayed and passed away in just now wasn’t as easy as I thought.
It was heartbreaking.
There was a part of me which felt like jumping out of the window because I couldn’t stop crying.
Bits and pieces of what happened were haunting me everywhere I turned.


I’m ok now I guess. Ok tak ok, kena ok kan gak la kan ?
Just because I cry easily, it doesn’t mean that I am not strong, right ?
I just have hyperactive lacrimal glands ?
Well that’s what people have been telling me.
As for me, I don’t feel strong.

I am not strong.


xoxo

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room.

Currently feeling: Sad
Currently listening to: Bruised But Not Broken – Joss Stone

She’s at it again.

She has no idea that she has been emotionally and mentally battering me.
Maybe I should just leave this place.
Call me a baby, but I just cannot live with insensitive idiots people.
I believe that you’ve always gotta think before you say anything. Anything at all.
Terlajak perahu boleh ditarik balik, terlajak kata binasa.
I believe that true friends don’t tell you and make fun of the fact that you’re fat (or not).
They don’t tell you you’re serabut, tak lawa or anything along the same lines of those (unless you’ve asked for their honest opinion) over and over again.
Most importantly, they don’t make you feel low, unpretty and dejected. Like she has been doing to me.

Maybe it’s my fault for not pointing out to her that she has been bruising my self esteem.
It’s my fault for keeping mum.
So yeah, I don’t blame her. I guess it’s all on me.

I
should
just
leave.

xoxo

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stop it will you ??

Currently feeling: Tired
Currently listening to: Garden Of Love – Aqualung

I am generally okay. Alhamdulillah.
Well apart from this cough I have been having for days now, I am grateful and I have no complains about how things are at the moment.

But please excuse me as I just need to let this out.

This happened at my faculty this evening, as I was walking with Nanab.

Friend: (loudly, in front of her bloody friends) Mel, kau dari mana ? Apsal kau tak lawa eh ?
Me: Heh ?
Friend: Apsal kau tak lawa ? Apsal kau tak lawa macam aku ??
Me: Kau lawa ke ?
Friend: Lawa, lawa !


GOODNESS ME !
Was that really necessary ?
Please bear in mind that this is the same person I ranted about here.
Even Nanab was shocked and was wondering how I could actually tolerate all the shitty remarks she has been throwing at me all this while. Nanab knows I don’t usually lash back out at her.
But the fact that she had the audacity to talk to me like that in front of her bloody friends (she did the exact same thing a few days ago) really irked the hell out of me !
Nanab was trying to console me by saying that maybe the fact that she is not beautiful (well, I think she’s okay looking la), makes her insecure which in the end drives her to say such things. She kept reminding me not to let her get to me.
But hello ? I don’t give a fuck why la kan. I don’t even care if she was joking. There are limits to jokes okay. Silly jokes I can take.
But that, to me (and Nanab), was just plain rude, something only an imbecile would say.
Mak bapak tak ajar manners ke weyh ?
It took one bloody bitch person to ruin the rest of my day.
Seriously la okay, I am so angry right now that I am shivering !
I don’t even give a damn if she reads this. I sure hope she does.
Blergh.
Bloody fucker.

Okay, done.
Phew.

xoxo

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i’m this close.

Currently feeling: Like strangling my r****** to death
Currently listening to: Don’t Walk Away – Bethany Joy Galleotti

This is interesting.

On a whole separate note, can I just say that I have a r****** who is just plain mean and idiotic ? Remember this (click here, please) ? She’s person bitch number 2.
I mean what kind of a person would actually say something like what she just did. Whether she meant it or not is besides the point.
Demoralizing remarks like that are just uncalled for.
I’m like thisclose to ‘exploding’ and dissing her huge teeth and thinning hair right in front of her face !
You heard me, HUGE TEETH and THINNING HAIR !

ERGGGHHHHHH !

Maybe today just isn’t my day.

xoxo

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cash.

Currently feeling: Messed Up
Currently listening to: Marc playing the guitar

I promised myself that I would put up a strong front in front of them.
I promised myself that I would never break down in front of them.
I promised myself that no matter what happened, I should always smile, make dumb jokes, laugh it off and pretend that nothing is bugging me when in actuality I feel like I have the weight of the whole world on my shoulders.

I broke that promise today.

Fuck. I hate myself.

xoxo

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jigsaw.

Currently feeling: Guilty
Currently listening to: Lifeline – Brooke Fraser

I just want to rant.

My life’s like a jigsaw puzzle with so many broken missing pieces.
What’s missing ?
I wish I knew.

Nobody really knows me.

As humans, making mistakes are inevitable.
But there are certain circumstances which I feel that you can avoid, that you have the power to control and steer away from doing what you know is wrong.
You know, yet when it’s done there’s no way of undoing it.

You can tell me nobody’s perfect.
I’ll tell you I don’t want perfection, I just want maturity and integrity.

Everyone is entitled to their own opinion.
It’s silly to forsake a family/friend just because he/she does not have the same principles as you do.
I believe you should live your life the way you want to, at the same time knowing your boundaries, because you’ll never get a second chance at living.

I still have bouts of insecurities every now and then.
Which is absurd, I know.
I know for a fact that I can do better. That worrying about what he thinks/feels is a plain waste of my precious time.
I deserve better, don’t I ?

I miss Mummy.
Somebody shoot me, please ?

I just want somebody to hold me, say the words ‘I love you’, and mean it.
It doesn’t have to be from the opposite sex.

Forgive me for being so petty.
There’s a saying that when you start to judge someone, you have no time to love that someone.
Then maybe I’d just stick with having no time.

I don’t really like myself that much do I ?
There’s always something lacking.
Something amiss. Something not good. Not Never good enough.

Not to mention that I haven’t been a very good friend.
As a matter of fact I think I suck as a daughter/sister too.
Shoot me again, please ?

Heath Ledger’s passing is sad. Real sad.

Funny thing, these feelings have a way of twisting my whole life upside down. I can be floating on cloud nine for a minute and in another, I’d be lying down flat on my face.

This world’s full of plasticity and lies.

I’m tired.
This is not PMS.

xoxo

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swollen eyes.

Currently feeling: Fucked Up
Currently listening to: How Many Times, How Many Lies – The Pussycat Dolls

Although what was told wasn’t a big surprise, it still hurt as though someone had just taken a gun and shot the life out of me.
The “How could you ??”, “What did I do wrong ??”, “What wasn’t enough ??”, “How could I have been so blind (and stupid) ??” questions are steadily running around in my head.

xoxo

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how many times, how many lies.

Currently feeling: Fucked Up
Currently listening to: How Many Times, How Many Lies – The Pussycat Dolls

They would try to tell me something
Oh, but I was hearing nothing
When they said you was just playing me
I didn’t listen
I didn’t want to
You couldn’t find a blinder fool
I’m here
Searching through the wreckage
Wondering why the message never got through
And I found I misplaced all my faith
How could I put my faith in you?

How many times?
How many lies?
How long you been sneaking?
How long you been creeping around?
How many lies?
How many times?
Were you here deceiving
While I was here believing in you

I’ve got to put the blame on myself
Should’ve known with everyone else
Just knowing they knew you was just bad news
I should’ve walked out (I should’ve walked out)
I should’ve seen clear (I should’ve seen clear)
I’m glad your sad ass is out of here
I’ve gone and thrown out all the records
All the ones that ever reminded me of you
I’ve gone and tore up all the pictures
‘Cause there was not one shred of truth

There were so many times
There were so many lies
I don’t know why I stayed on you
There were so many days
There were so many games
I should’ve thrown your sad ass out
I’m like the dumbest fool
I’ll never trust in you
I’ve finally got wise
I opened up my eyes
Your game is over

I opened up my eyes

xoxo

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