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Category: emo

“What Are You Angry About?”

This morning, I woke up feeling angry.

Angry at myself that I slept earlier than Mr Sunshine while he was folding clothes outside our room.

I am also angry at myself for telling Mr Sunshine that I am not up for heading back to Batu Pahat next weekend. This is because I know I will be exhausted. We will be going to Sungai Petani the following weekend, and to Batu Pahat the weekend after that, for his brother’s nikah & bersanding etc.

Since I have one day off per week, we have been heading back to Batu Pahat on Saturday right after work. Then on Sunday night, we drive back to Shah Alam. Monday comes right after that, and it’s back to work.

Even typing that felt tiring.
It is tiring.
But I am OK if it is just once a month.

I can’t handle back to back traveling like that.

I know it was the right thing to do for myself. But I still feel bad. And I am angry. And tired.

As it is, I am already feeling anxious about taking the ETS to & fro Sungai Petani. Not looking forward to being on a train for hours.
Also anxious about being around so many people during the kenduri.
So I am angry at myself for being weak. Why the hell must you be this way, Melissa?

I am also angry at myself for letting Khaleel go for his swim meet last weekend. Because his finger that was slammed by a door last week was actually fractured. What kind of a mother does that?

I am also angry that I do not have enough money to pay for a few things this month. You screwed up, Melissa.

I am angry that I feel that people are moving so fast in business (and in life), yet here I am, moving like a sloth.
They say people move fast because they need the money, and that I can move at whatever pace I can.
BUT I NEED THE MONEY TOO??

There are so many things I am angry about.
And all I feel like doing is hide from everyone.

Hmm, I remember being asked by my psychiatrist, “What are you angry about?”
Maybe I should send her this post.

xoxo

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Passion

What do you do when the passion fades?

Passion

I posted this question on my Facebook last year and one person answered that I should recheck my reason, while another told me to experiment & try out new things.

When we talk about passion, it’s that fire which drives you to do something. It’s that intense desire or enthusiasm for something. And like everything else in this world, it is not permanent.
But I believe if you are truly passionate about something, you will go all out to make sure that the fire does not fade.

And how do you do that?
Do you recheck your reason?
Or do you experiment & try out new things?

I would say – DO BOTH!

Without a doubt, we should always, always go back to the reason we started involving ourselves in that special something. Ask ourselves why, who, what? Why am I doing this? Who am doing this for? Why do I need this? What do I want to change with this?

In addition to this, we should always try to look for different ways to spice up that special something. Experiment, try something new. Something new does not mean ditching the old but it can mean revamping the methods in which we have been so accustomed to.

If I may add, it really helps to surround ourselves with positive people who can support us when we feel like we have lost it or to give us that extra nudge when we need it. Because we are only human and our passion can fluctuate – nobody’s perfect!

Yes, passion here can refer to anything – our relationship, our career, our friendships, our hobbies, etc etc. Because passion needs to exist in all of them!

Here’s to living 2019 passionately!:)

xoxo

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Of Trials

The first 14 days of confinement were not a bed of roses for me.
And it has nothing to do with the confinement ‘rules’.
Allow me to share on what happened…

Scenario 1:

The day after Khaleel’s birth, I received a call from Umra, telling me that their paediatrician has something to discuss with me. Mr. Sunshine and I brought Khaleel along to Umra that evening.
The paediatrician told us that they just got the results for the vaginal swab for group B streptococcus (GBS) they did on me the first time I came to Umra the previous Wednesday. It was positive.

You see, being a GBS carrier is perfectly normal and natural as it is found as part of the normal gut flora in 20-30% of men and women, and the vagina in roughly 1 in 4 women.
So, it does not carry any health risk to the carrier, which in this case is myself.

However, a baby delivered via a vaginal delivery has a risk to develop a GBS infection.

The paediatrician wanted to admit Khaleel and start him on intravenous gentamicin & benzylpenicillin.
You can imagine how shocked both Mr Sunshine and I were.

We were not keen about starting our 2 day-old baby on antibiotics unnecessarily, so we asked for some time to think about it. He gave us 10 minutes. We could not make a decision that quick, so we signed the at-own-risk (AOR) discharge slip and brought Khaleel home.

We called a couple of friends who were doctors and asked for their opinions and decided to get a second opinion that night itself, from PPUM.

With tears streaming down my cheeks, I packed my bags just in case Khaleel had to be admitted.

We arrived at PPUM close to midnight that day.
The medical officer at PPUM told us that he thinks Khaleel is fine as it has already been 40 hours since his birth, however he did a blood test just to be sure.
We waited until after 0200 hours for the results, and Alhamdulillah they were normal. We reached home almost 0400 hours that morning.

Yes, I went through all the above with my sore perineum, 40 hours after delivering my baby. *nangis*

Scenario 2:

On Monday, November 23rd, Khayla woke up with a fever and she was coughing really bad. I told Mr Sunshine to bring her to her paediatrician in DEMC to get her checked.

That afternoon, Mr Sunshine called me from the hospital to tell me that Khayla needed to be admitted. She was down with acute bronchitis.

I immediately broke down.
My confinement lady, Kak Anda tried to console me and told me that it was not good to cry that much during confinement.
I could not control my emotions.
My heart broke thinking about Khayla and Mr. Sunshine who had to skip classes to stay with Khayla in the hospital.

Khayla was admitted that day, and I was at home with Khaleel and Kak Anda.
I was so exhausted from not being able to take a nap during the day and from all the crying I did.
Khaleel slept with Kak Anda that night. *nangis*
I was fortunate that I had expressed breastmilk stored in the refrigerator.

That night, I cried myself to sleep.

Alhamdulillah, Khayla was discharged last Friday.
Mr Sunshine skipped 3 days of classes last week. Poor him.
I spent 4 nights (crying every now and then because I missed Mr. Sunshine and Khayla) at home with Khaleel and Kak Anda.

Now, how’s that for drama ?
Hehe.

But Allah does not burden a soul beyond that it can bear, kan ?

Goodnight ! 🙂

xoxo

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