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Archive of ‘emo’ category

Of Trials

The first 14 days of confinement were not a bed of roses for me.
And it has nothing to do with the confinement ‘rules’.
Allow me to share on what happened…

Scenario 1:

The day after Khaleel’s birth, I received a call from Umra, telling me that their paediatrician has something to discuss with me. Mr. Sunshine and I brought Khaleel along to Umra that evening.
The paediatrician told us that they just got the results for the vaginal swab for group B streptococcus (GBS) they did on me the first time I came to Umra the previous Wednesday. It was positive.

You see, being a GBS carrier is perfectly normal and natural as it is found as part of the normal gut flora in 20-30% of men and women, and the vagina in roughly 1 in 4 women.
So, it does not carry any health risk to the carrier, which in this case is myself.

However, a baby delivered via a vaginal delivery has a risk to develop a GBS infection.

The paediatrician wanted to admit Khaleel and start him on intravenous gentamicin & benzylpenicillin.
You can imagine how shocked both Mr Sunshine and I were.

We were not keen about starting our 2 day-old baby on antibiotics unnecessarily, so we asked for some time to think about it. He gave us 10 minutes. We could not make a decision that quick, so we signed the at-own-risk (AOR) discharge slip and brought Khaleel home.

We called a couple of friends who were doctors and asked for their opinions and decided to get a second opinion that night itself, from PPUM.

With tears streaming down my cheeks, I packed my bags just in case Khaleel had to be admitted.

We arrived at PPUM close to midnight that day.
The medical officer at PPUM told us that he thinks Khaleel is fine as it has already been 40 hours since his birth, however he did a blood test just to be sure.
We waited until after 0200 hours for the results, and Alhamdulillah they were normal. We reached home almost 0400 hours that morning.

Yes, I went through all the above with my sore perineum, 40 hours after delivering my baby. *nangis*

Scenario 2:

On Monday, November 23rd, Khayla woke up with a fever and she was coughing really bad. I told Mr Sunshine to bring her to her paediatrician in DEMC to get her checked.

That afternoon, Mr Sunshine called me from the hospital to tell me that Khayla needed to be admitted. She was down with acute bronchitis.

I immediately broke down.
My confinement lady, Kak Anda tried to console me and told me that it was not good to cry that much during confinement.
I could not control my emotions.
My heart broke thinking about Khayla and Mr. Sunshine who had to skip classes to stay with Khayla in the hospital.

Khayla was admitted that day, and I was at home with Khaleel and Kak Anda.
I was so exhausted from not being able to take a nap during the day and from all the crying I did.
Khaleel slept with Kak Anda that night. *nangis*
I was fortunate that I had expressed breastmilk stored in the refrigerator.

That night, I cried myself to sleep.

Alhamdulillah, Khayla was discharged last Friday.
Mr Sunshine skipped 3 days of classes last week. Poor him.
I spent 4 nights (crying every now and then because I missed Mr. Sunshine and Khayla) at home with Khaleel and Kak Anda.

Now, how’s that for drama ?
Hehe.

But Allah does not burden a soul beyond that it can bear, kan ?

Goodnight ! :)

xoxo

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Toddler Regression During Pregnancy

Before I go on, I just want to state that I am fully aware that Khayla is no longer a toddler. Hehe.

Since early last month (specifically after we went for the 3D scan), Khayla has been crying on and off at school especially when I drop her off in the mornings. She would hold on to me and cry, “Nak Mummy, nak Mummy !”.

Last week, she even ran out from her class to the gate as I was reversing my car to leave the school area. It took me about 15 minutes to console her. *nangis*

Her teacher and bibik have asked me whether anything had happened prior to her crying episodes but I reassured them that all is well at home. According to the bibik, there was one time she kept on sobbing until even when they performed solat Dhuha. *nangis*

Please bear in mind that this is all happening after 7 months of going to her montessori with no problems at all !
So I do not think it’s separation anxiety anymore.

Last Friday, Mr Sunshine decided that starting this week, he will be the one to send Khayla to school because dealing with her being emotional in the mornings affect my emotions too. Sedih Mummy tauuu.

But, yesterday morning I kissed her goodbye while she was still asleep, and to my surprise she immediately woke up and started crying, “Nak Mummy, nak Mummy,” again !
Even when I told her Ayah is around and that he will send her to school, she kept on crying and was clinging to me until our front door. *nangis*

People have been telling me that she is acting this way because I am pregnant and that it’s normal. I tried googling my problem up and came across a few articles which I think answers my queries.

So, apparently Khayla might be going through what they call toddler regression, and in her case it might be toddler regression during pregnancy.

Toddler regression is when your toddler starts acting like a baby, or extra clingy after months of independence.

According to Natasha Burgert (MD, FAAP, pediatrician at Pediatrics Associates in Kansas City, Missouri),

“You’ve done such a great job of creating a natural, healthy attachment with your older child that he’s feeling a bit ‘off’ due to the change in routine related to your pregnancy. Kids notice changes in the attention they’re provided. Toddlers regress in their behavior because they’re seeking normalcy. They’re trying to tell you to make sure that they get the attention they’ve been so used to getting.” (Source)

According to the What To Expect website, a toddler’s regression to babyhood (a time when he felt secure and close to you) may be caused by a number of factors:

  • It might be due to conflicting feelings about growing up (poor kids, so young and have to go through conflict !)
  • He may be feeling frustrated or overwhelmed by a developmental milestone
  • Reaction to a change or a stressful situation in his life, such as the arrival of a new sibling, starting preschool, or tension at home.

I spoke to Khayla’s principal last Friday evening, and even she mentioned that sometimes even though we might not think that our routine has changed but kids can notice even minute changes such as us being more tired than usual.

A couple of useful tips on how to handle toddler regression during pregnancy:

  1. Go ahead and baby your child. Let him cling, suck his thumb, or drink from a bottle (but fill it only with water). Not letting him slide back will only increase his desire to revert to babyhood and may prolong the phase. (Source)
  2. Heap on the love. Show him that he doesn’t have to act like a baby to get your attention. (Source)
  3. Doing your best to keep up your toddler’s routine — while taking care of yourself — is that best way to handle toddler regression. If you’re not up for a game of hide-and-seek. Do something else together. Read a book or play with cars or dolls. Keep in mind that a certain amount of regression during toddlerhood is completely normal, even if you weren’t expecting baby #2. (Source)

Any mothers out there who have experienced the same situation ?
I would appreciate your tips and advice.
Thank you in advance ! :)

xoxo

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Khayla’s First Week At An Islamic Montessori

It has been more than a week since Khayla started going to an Islamic Montessori.
Mr Sunshine and I agreed to take her out from the nursery she had been at prior to this because the Montessori is nearer to where we’re staying now plus we want her to learn & have exposure to classes in English.

The challenges I have faced over the first week is waking her up to bathe & get into her uniform. Before this, I could just send her to the nursery in her nighties, hehe.
Apart from that, I think she handled her first week at her new school like a champion.

Khayla's First Week

Khayla all dressed up in her uniform, not looking very happy on her first day. Hehe.

Khayla's First Week

Khayla’s first day, warming up by doing some colouring.

Mummy, on the other hand is not doing too well. Haha.
Why ?
Firstly, since she has started going to a Montessori which uses English as its medium, I am slowly trying to speak to her in English at home but I feel so bad when she says, “Mummy cakap English ke ? Cakaplah macam biasa, saya tak faham.”  :(

I’m all worked up because of course I blame myself for not using English at home since she was small and now I am worried that my 3-year old daughter will get all confused and stressed while trying to learn English. *nangis*

Am I being too emotional or paranoid ? Isk Isk.

Secondly, the other day she came back and told me, “Mummy, saya senyum kat kawan-kawan tapi takde siapa senyum kat saya.”
Ok Mummy nak nangis but tahan only. I comforted her by telling her to keep smiling at them and InshaAllah they will slowly learn to smile back. *nangis*

And then she also told me that she misses Ain, her best friend in her old nursery. :(

So sadddd…….

Thirdly (yes there’s more), Khayla is potty trained (she still wears diapers when she sleeps) and has learned to drink milk using a cup in her old nursery but at this new school they have ‘converted’ her back to the bottle.

I knowwww, I have no idea why I am so worked up over such petty things. I blame my hormones. Hehe.

Anywayyy, here are a couple of photos from Khayla’s last day at her nursery.

Khayla's First Week

The Farewell Cake I ordered for Khayla’s teachers at the nursery.

Khayla's First Week

Khayla with her best friend, Ain. :(

Khayla's First Week

Khayla with her nursery teachers.

May Allah ease this transition.
May Allah protect my little Khayla.
May Allah ease her journey to learn new things and make new friends.

May Allah calm Mummy’s emotions.

Ameen Ya Rabb !

xoxo

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are you ready to say goodbye ?

Ramadhan is nearing its end I feel like I have not accomplished what I set out to do during this holy month.
I am far from perfecting my Qur’an reading skills, I haven’t been giving as much as I should and I find myself more consumed by worldly matters as the days go by. *nangis*
But there’s still a couple more days before Syawal, so I plan to make the most out of it, InshaAllah.

Work has been okay, Alhamdulillah.
I have found out the hard way that handling procurement of drugs (read: medications, not illegal drugs) is tough ! Now I know what my ex-colleagues who were in charge of a pharmacy store were stressing about most of the time. The past 8 months has seen me making mistakes, and learning from them. Sometimes I do feel like a total failure (sob, sob), but I have to keep reminding myself that mistakes are inevitable especially when you’re new. I shall strive to provide better after this, especially next year after this year’s drug tender contract ends. Ameen.

On a completely different note, I discovered that I am nearsighted, about 5 months ago. Isk isk. I think it’s partly due to owning a smartphone ! Honestly, I always thought that my perfect vision would last me a lifetime (hahaha) because both Daddy and arwah Mummy only had to wear glasses when they were in their 40’s to 50’s. Hmm. I guess that’s what you get when you take Allah’s luxuries for granted. Isk isk.

How are your Raya plans this year ? 
Mr. Sunshine and I had planned to spend Raya eve in Gombak this year, since we’ve been in Batu Pahat for the past two years. But due to unforeseen circumstances, we’d be in Batu Pahat again this year. I don’t want to elaborate much on the whys and whatnots because it’ll only trigger my lacrimal glands to produce massive amounts of tears. I hope I can keep my calm while we’re there.
Next year, InshaAllah we’ll celebrate Raya in Gombak. It has been 6 years since arwah Mummy passed on, and that’s how long we’ve never actually celebrated Raya.

Oh, how I miss Mummy. :'(

And with that said, I have lost my mood to blog.
Bye.

xoxo

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khayla’s hfmd chronicles.

Day 1 (Friday, 29/06/2012)
1400 hours – I received a phone call from the nursery, telling me that Khayla was having high grade fever. I rushed home to pick her up. She was bloated because she refused to eat the whole morning.

1900 hours – Her fever subsided after we inserted a Paracetamol suppository.

2130 hours – Tried to put Khayla to sleep but she would only go to bed for 5-10 minutes and then wake up crying as if she was in pain. This happened all through the night ! We noticed that she was drooling and teething, so we assumed it was teething pain. I had my doubts because we’ve been through teething before, and it was never that bad.

Day 2 (Saturday, 30/06/2012)
0400 hours – We decided to bring her to Selayang hospital to check if there was anything wrong with her. At the hospital, her temperature was 37.7 degrees. The doctor sent us home claiming there was nothing wrong with my baby (and that “Mak dia yang risau je ni.”).

0600 hours – Khayla was still waking up crying every 5- 10 minutes. She refused to anything the whole day, she would cry everytime I tried to put food in her mouth. Her lips were swollen and she was drooling excessively. I also noticed red spots on her lips that day. she wouldn’t finish her bottle of milk. We gave her Paracetamol syrup every 6 hours to help ease her pain but it didn’t seem to work. Saw tiny red spots (like petechia) all over her calves and thighs and arms.

2130 hours – Tried to put her to bed but the same thing happened, she would still sleep for 5-10 minutes and wake up crying.

Day 3 (Sunday, 01/07/2012)

1500 hours – Khayla still wasn’t accepting solids, and only drank very little milk. Mr. Sunshine noticed white spots on her lower lip. We decided to bring her to a paediatrician. Unfortunately, the paediatric clinic (Klinik Pakar Kanak-Kanak Putra, Sungai Buloh) we wanted to go to was closed that evening, so we took her to the nearest hospital, which was Hospital Sungai Buloh.

1930 – Doctor examined Khayla’s spots and ulcers on lips, and was certain it wasn’t HFMD, he took a blood test to check whether it was a bacterial infection. Blood test came out normal and we were sent home with an antibiotic cream to apply on her body along with Vaseline to apply on her lips.
I refused to use both medications.

2130 hours – Khayla still had trouble sleeping, and was still in pain.

Day 4 (Monday, 2/7/2012)

0600 hours – Noticed that the spots on Khayla’s legs and arms were lesser. Lips were still red, swollen with ulcers.

0900 hours – Brought her to Klinik Pakar Kanak-Kanak Putra in Sungai Buloh. The paediatrician took one look at Khayla’s big toe and told me it was HFMD. Hmm. “This is a classic sign of foot & mouth,” she told Mr. Sunshine and I. She examined Khayla’s buttocks & genital areas & also her mouth. Her mouth was filled with red ulcers ! My poor Khayla, Mummy’s terribly sorry for not noticing all those red spots IN your mouth. *nangis*
The paediatrician told us that Khayla must have been in tremendous pain before this, and after three days, a babies body will start generating antibodies to fight the Coxsackie virus. Isk isk.
She was prescribed with Diclofenac Sodium suppositories and Xylocaine drops to numb her mouth area so that she could feed easily.
She recommended that we feed her with cold liquids or vanilla ice cream to soothe her ulcers.

Day 5 to 8 (Tuesday to Friday) – Stayed at home to take care of Khayla. She would eat in small amounts. However, she finished a bowl of rice porridge on Thursday, woohoo ! Slept well starting Wednesday night, Alhamdulillah. No more spots and ulcers.

Sad to say, I did not get to snap any photos of Khayla’s spots or ulcers as I was too busy attending to her.

Alhamdulillah, my baby is now well. She is still drooling (significantly lesser than before), but that’s because she’s teething. My baby’s getting her molars !

A few HFMD tips that I can hand out:

  • Once your child has contracted HFMD, there’s nothing you can do but be there for him/her. Baby will be very clingy and restless. You will lose sleep and be exhausted. You’ve gotta be patient. 
  • The sores can be extremely painful, so for mothers who do not like the idea of giving your baby painkillers, please, please reconsider your options ! But only do so under a doctor’s recommendation, ok ?
  • Your baby will have trouble feeding but make sure to keep them hydrated with lots of liquids because the major complication of HFMD is dehydration. Don’t worry so much about wanting them to finish that bowl of pasta you made. Make sure to check their nappies (babies should wet their nappies at least every 6- 8 hours)
  • And lastly, it might be a good idea to bring your baby straight to a Paediatrician when you sense that something’s not right, rather than waste your time and energy bringing them to see inexperienced HOs and MOs.
  • Hah.

    Ok bye.

    UPDATE: Khayla did not get the virus from her nursery because appatently no other child there had similar symptoms, so she either got it from home or from the hospital when she was admitted.

    xoxo
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cold sores galore.

IMG_20120530_092222-281-29

I’ve been having back to back cold sore attacks since April 17. That’s more than a month now. I have no idea what keeps on triggering the attack because I am trying my best to avoid chocolates (sigh !), nuts, sun exposure, extreme cold temperature, stress (!!) etc. I have been religiously popping multivitamins, vitamin B & C tablets, and making sure I don’t skip meals.

How can I not be stressed when I have these ugly sores on my lips that people keep staring at and asking me about, and I haven’t been able to kiss my daughter for so long ! Self esteem = ZERO.

Either there’s a trigger factor that I have been missing out on, or that my immune system has gone haywire. My boss (a doctor) told me that it could be due to the fact that my body is under a lot of physical stress because I haven’t been getting enough rest/sleep, have a baby to take care of and have to travel quite a distance to work every day.

SIGH !

For those of you who don’t know what cold sores are, Google can help.

In a gist, cold sores (herpes labialis) are small, painful, fluid-filled blisters or sores that appear on the lips, mouth, or nose that are caused by the herpes simplex virus. It is transmitted through oral secretions or sores on the skin.Unlike most viral infections, this virus is not completely eliminated as they reside quietly in a dormant/latent stage in nerve sheaths until something triggers its active stage which causes blisters on the lips known as cold sores. There is no cure !
Cold sore attacks can be brought on by the following conditions:

  • General illness or changes in the immune system (from mild illnesses to serious conditions)
  • Ultraviolet radiation 
  • Fatigue
  • Physical or emotional stress
  • Immunosuppression due to AIDS or such medications as chemotherapy or steroids
  • Trauma to the affected area – my first attack this year (in February) was because Khayla bumped her head on my lips !
  • Menstruation (hormonal changes)

Cold sores are actually very common. About six in ten people in the UK carry the virus, no data for Malaysia though. However, not all of them have outbreaks. So far I have only seen one UiTM student with cold sores, and when she came to the pharmacy to get her medications, I felt like giving her a hug. Drama, much ?

Annisa and I with my cold sores on my lips. :'(

I don’t remember exactly when I had my first cold sore attack, but I know it was years ago, while I was doing my degree. My first outbreak was terrible because the doctor I went to see thought it was a bacterial infection and kept peeling my scab off, only to make it spread even worse ! After that, I have had one to three recurrences a year, but nothing like what I am experiencing now. :'(

Abu Hurairah R.A narrates Rasulullulah PBUH said,

“For every misfortune, illness, anxiety, grief, or hurt that afflicts a Muslim -even the hurt caused by the pricking of a thorn – Allah removes some of his sins.”

and

“There is no disease that Allah has created, except that He also has created its treatment.”

So many people out there are suffering from far worse, so I need to stay positive !
I can do this.

xoxo

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i feel like a failure.

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Not a day goes by without me feeling terrible TERRIBLE about not being able to fully breastfeed Khayla until at least 6 months. My milk supply has decreased tremendously(!) after I was down with fever and food poisoning a couple of weeks ago. These days, the amount I can express in a day is less than the amount I could express per session before ! The exhaustion from traveling back and forth from Gombak to Shah Alam everyday is also taking a toll on my milk supply. Khayla gets upset whenever she breastfeeds, because there’s just so little milk. To make matters worse, all the milk I have been collecting have gone down the drain because my freezer door wasn’t shut tightly a few days ago. :'(

Khayla is mostly on formula now.

It’s always heartbreaking to read harsh comments about mothers who don’t breastfeed their babies. Some people can be really mean, or perhaps I’m just being over-sensitive. I have nothing against mothers who feed their baby with formula milk, I’m just extremely disappointed with myself. I guess I had my hopes up too high.

I feel so inadequate.

I need to constantly remind myself that it’s ok to formula feed my baby. All my siblings and I were formula fed babies (after confinement).
I need to be grateful that I was able to fully breastfeed my baby for 4 months. Alhamdulillah.
I need to be thankful that Khayla is growing up healthily, tolerating milk and solids well.Alhamdulillah.

Dearest Dian Khayla, Mummy is terribly sorry for not being able to provide you with the best milk. I love you and I promise to provide you with the best of everything else. InshaAllah.

“Slowly, over time, I began to understand that my breastmilk was only one portion of Henry’s needs” (A Cup of Comfort for New Mothers: Stories that celebrate the miracle of life, 2009)

xoxo

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retention.

Hi, I’m still sad as hell about losing my photos.
Is this a sign that I should quit blogging ? 

Mr. Sunshine says that I’m lucky that I still have my written posts, and to lose them is far worse.
I guess he’s right.

Oh well.

xoxo

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i accidentally deleted all my photos !

Hello everyone, hope all of you are having a good day.

I’m currently mourning over the fact that I accidentally deleted ALL my photos which were uploaded on my blog. That’s 4 years worth of memories ! So far there’s no way of recovering them. *nangis*
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m devastated.

OK bye.

xoxo

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i resign.

After 90 days of maternity leave and an extra day off, it was back to work for me last Monday. It felt as if it was my first day at work ever !
My memory of how to carry out work tasks were a bit fuzzy that day. Hehe.

I am currently recovering from a hectic past three weeks.
Marc and Linn were solemnized on Friday, November 11th, Alhamdulillah. Lene and I helped with the hantaran preparations. Their solemnization plans were kinda last minute, they got everything done within a month ! Phew ! Long story there, malas nak elaborate.
But Alhamdulillah everything went smoothly, and their reception will be held in February, InshaAllah.

Mr. Sunshine and I. :)

Faira, Aunty Maziey, Lene and I.

Alhamdulillah. Welcome to the family, Linn ! 😀

The newlyweds. :)

Family picture – Khayla was getting tired, hehe.

Starting work also meant that I had to send Dian Khayla to a nursery/babysitter. We found a babysitter prior to Aidiladha but didn’t have the time to send Khayla over for a ‘trial period’. So we started sending Khayla there last Sunday.
I was so fortunate that Lene was still on her hols so she came over to help me with Khayla because Mr. Sunshine was away in Seremban for the whole week.
Surprisingly, leaving Khayla at the babysitter’s was not as hard as I thought it would be. I guess all the mental preparation I had been doing worked !
Mental preparation – Repeat after me, “I have no choice, I have to work, and someone else has to take care of my baby. No two ways around it.” 
Just two days after taking care of Khayla, the babysitter sent me this:

I immediately broke down, my heart was aching to go pick Khayla up immediately. :'(
I can understand that it’s not easy looking after Khayla, I’m exhausted everyday. But to give up just after a couple of days is heartbreaking. Sigh.
Since that text message, my mind wasn’t at peace. I would go to work in the morning, wishing that it was 1700 hours already so that I can be with my baby again. It’s like I’m letting my baby be taken care of by someone who was not sincere. :(

Mr. Sunshine and I are scouting for another sitter, but as at now we haven’t found one. So we’d still have to send Khayla to the same person next week.
I’m trying my best not to worry too much. Not easy !

My situation at work is not helping either.
I haven’t blogged about this before because I wanted it to be a surprise but looking at how things are right now, I might as well just tell the whole world what’s going on. Haha. (fake laugh)
In June, I went for an interview for a Pharmacist post in UiTM and in August, just a week after Khayla was born, they told me I was offered the post in UiTM Shah Alam’s Health Centre. Alhamdulillah. Sounds exciting doesn’t it ?
Well, it was exciting until the director of the hospital I’m working at refuses to sign my pelepasan dengan izin application.
For those of you who don’t get it, I’m working under the Ministry of Health (MOH), so in order to work with UiTM, I have to resign from MOH and if I want my three years of service in the government to be accounted for, I have to apply to be ‘released with permission’ a.k.a pelepasan dengan izin. I can just resign because resignation does not need anyone’s approval but my three years of service will go down the drain.
I signed my resignation letter and pelepasan dengan izin application in early October and it hasn’t been signed by her. She (the director) has no power to approve my application, MOH does, but I need her signature as my Ketua Jabatan. Her reason is that I have to complete my compulsory service which is ridiculous to me because I am not trying to run away from completing it, I am trying to continue the service in UiTM. Recently, after pharmacists were allowed to shorten our three-year compulsory service to one, I thought that would make things easier but nooooo, she still insists that I have to complete my compulsory service first. Sigh. It’s absurd that after almost two months, my application hasn’t even reached MOH yet !
After discussing with Mr. Sunshine and Daddy, I have decided to just resign. Tawar hati dah !
My three month’s resignation notice ends on the 31st of December, so I’ll start work in UiTM in January, InshaAllah.

I hope I’m doing the right thing, I hope it’s what’s best for me. Ameen.

Things are so overwhelming for me right now, physically, emotionally and mentally. I’m such a mess ! *nangis*

xoxo

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