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Category: babble

Lift Me Up

I had Lift Me Up by Rihanna on repeat on my Spotify on way back home from work yesterday night. And I was sobbing while singing.

It was so painful.

Fun fact: My no 1 song on Spotify this year was Lift Me Up. 🤭

Anyway, these past couple of days have been challenging.

Yesterday was especially difficult because I was doing a lot of thinking about my finances. The fact that Mr Sunshine is feeling the pinch too scares me. There is this guilt of having to trouble him. I know my friends (and my psychologist) tell me that I should not feel guilty, but I do.

Clouds of regret hover over me sometimes.
I should have picked the other job with the higher pay.
I should be able to earn more through my business.
Why did I do this? Why did I do that?

But ‘rational me’ knows that I am exactly where I am meant to be right now.
Unfortunately, in this present moment, ‘spiraling me’ is much stronger than ‘rational me’.

This morning I even told Mr Sunshine that I am feeling like I cannot cope with life anymore. 😢

What added to me being overwhelmed & anxious was that there was this one person who kept wanting to talk about a current gossip. The gossip of an influencer who cheated on his wife (he married the other woman). I managed to brush her off, but that was after having to listen to her talk about it the day before.

I have enough on my plate.
So I don’t want to talk & get riled up about what’s going on in other people’s lives.
Furthermore, we don’t even know them – how can we possibly know what really happened?

Anddd, of course, as much as people tell me not to think about it, the business is almost always in my head.

I keep asking myself, how do I do this business alongside my job without neglecting my mental health?
How do I show up & be a good example to my team if I am like this?

“At the moment, I don’t think you can handle it, if you have to keep asking yourself the same question.”

Melissa’s friend

Then today, when I saw this screensaver on my tablet, I felt as if the cat was saying, “Wake up, Melissa! It’s already December!”

Now even cats are judging me?🤣

Not to mention, there’s a tendency for people who take a break from the business to use the term “comeback” when they want to, well, come back into the business.
“Tapi soon Kak Mel akan comeback juga kan?”

This weighs heavy on me because what if I tell everyone that “Kak Mel is back!” and I regress?
For me, it might be like ‘come as I like’? Or ‘come when I can’? 🤔

Oh well, that’s that.

On a happier note, being able to express myself through my writing again feels good. Alhamdulillah.
Slowly finding my way back to my authentic self, maybe?
I don’t wanna jinx anything lah, haha.

Ok bye.


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“Have You Recovered?”

“How are you?”
“Have you recovered?”
“Ok tak tu?”
“Kak Mel ok?”

I have been getting a lot of these kind of questions lately. It is expected lah kan, since I have been absent from my (public) Instagram account for almost a month now.
While I am grateful for people who are genuinely concerned, it’s a real struggle for me to answer truthfully, specifically to those who do not really know what’s going on.

Most of the time, the response that passes through my head immediately is “No.”
But that would just open up room for more questions I do not want & have the energy to entertain.

And all this while, my automatic answer to the general masses is “Alhamdulillah, OK.” even when things are not. I guess these days I am just tired of faking it.

Especially today when I was asked whether I have recovered.

I immediately felt annoyed.
And thought to myself, “Do you think this is something I can just snap out of??”

But then, I quickly realised that the person meant well and probably thinks I have been experiencing some sort of a physical ailment. 😅

How do we actually answer these questions?

A close friend suggested that I reply, “In progress, InshaAllah.” – which I did and I think that’s a pretty good answer!

Because, that is the truth.

I am a work in progress.
It is not something I can just get over. (note to self)

But I am learning that there are many things that I can do to help myself navigate through this experience (of depression and anxiety) which I plan to write in another post, InshaAllah.

Have I recovered?
I am in progress.


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Curled Up

I had so much I wanted to write yesterday but I ended up being curled up in bed the whole day. In the morning, I woke up with a heavy chest, felt like my tears were somehow stuck inside of me. Hate it when that happens.

Khayla needed to be in school in the morning – she was chosen to be the emcee for a school event, Alhamdulillah. And Mr. Sunshine had to be with Khaleel at his swimming practice. So, I had to put on a mask & gather strength to drop Khayla off at her school.

I was not kidding when I said I spent the whole day curled up in bed. Even my watch reminded me to move. 😅

Why was I feeling so blergh?

Well, there was a business recognition event held yesterday. I was supposed to attend, but my psychiatrist advised that I take a step back from the business for a bit.

Has it been easy? HELL NO.

Because I have been programmed for years to push push push and push myself. Pretend that everything is OK.

Yet, I felt nothing I did was ever enough.

What more can I do?

Until it came to a point that every post & story I saw about the business was making me feel that I am not good enough. That I was being left behind. I am incompetent.

It was building up day by day that I had to mute a bunch of people’s posts & stories at the end of October when I thought I was already at my lowest low.

Little did I know that a lower lowest low was about to come when I received my official diagnosis…

And yesterday, I muted more people.

A close friend of mine reminded me to allow myself to feel whatever I was feeling yesterday. It was kind of challenging (and exhausting) because I still had to put on a smile in front of Mr Sunshine, Khayla & Khaleel. Oh, and not to forget Marlene, Marc & his family during dinner.

But if I were to list down my thoughts & feelings, these were among them…

Thought: “Why am I like this? Why am I not normal?”
Feeling(s): Helpless, Worthless, Inferior, Embarassed

Thought: “Everyone is happy & moving on without me.”
Feeling(s): Insignificant, Worthless, Inferior, Excluded

Thought: “I will never be as good as (insert names).”
Feeling(s): Inferior, Inadequate, Worthless, Embarassed, Helpless, Jealous

Thought: “I suck as a mother & wife – just lying down here like a loser.”
Feeling(s): Disappointed, Worthless, Annoyed, Embarassed, Frightened, Worried

Thought: “They are only friends with me because of the business.”
Feeling(s): Disappointed, Ashamed, Isolated, Abandoned

Thought: “How do I do this? I need the income.”
Feeling(s): Helpless, Frightened, Worried

I I could go on & on but let’s just stop there. Now you know why this exercise got me even more depressed in the beginning? 😅

This thought monitoring exercise actually requires me to not only notice each thought, but to think of an alternative thought. But I honestly wonder – does anyone ever have the time to do so for EVERY SINGLE THOUGHT?

I know I know, I have to help myself. But in my defense, there are other things I am working on too – so one step at a time?

You might be wondering, if it was so bad not to attend the event, why didn’t I just go?
Oh boy, that would have been a whole different nightmare. 🙃

Until my next ‘thought diarrhea’, bye!


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