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Category: babble

Mid February Life Update!

After my December and January updates, it is only fair that I have a February update as well. 😜

It has been one month since I became unemployed. Only a month and there has been so many ups & downs.

For the past week or so I have spent most of my days and hours in a slump, hence this previous post.

It has been a struggle to even force a smile.

I am finding it very challenging to keep my depression & anxiety at bay or ‘under control’, spiraling every now and then. I have realised that most of it stems from a root of lack of acceptance, the need to be in control of everything hence feeling incompetent or not good enough. And this encompasses so many aspects of my life, from how I look to how I am as a mother, wife, sister, friend & business owner.

Yesterday, I spent 98% of my time in bed.
Khayla asked me whether I had a mental illness, because “macam ada symptoms je“. 🥺
Khaleel on the other hand, told me that I am different. When I asked him how he felt about it, he said it makes him feel unsafe. 🥺
He has always told me that he feels the safest with me. 🥺

Anyway, I have decided to start looking for a new job.
So two days ago I passed my resume to the company I rejected last year. Let’s see if we hear back from them, if not, on to another one!
I have omitted the fact that I got worked up with anxiety during the whole process. Oh there I said it.

Breathe and let go, Melissa.

I have also made an appointment with another psychiatrist, all this spiraling have left me thinking that I might need that extra support (read: drugs).
And I am everything but happy with this fact.

That is all.


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No One Truly Understands

Yesterday, someone asked me…

Kenapa you macam deteriorating? Adakah potentially you baca and explore more about what you have, and then you start developing the symptoms from your reading?

And it stabbed me in my heart.


  1. I have not been going down that rabbit hole of reading up anymore, they are all pretty much the same thing
  2. She is one of my close friends, and I confide in her a lot and I felt like she was blaming me, for what is happening, for my mental health
  3. She said that I have been avoiding triggers but am still spiraling. Little did she know, that my triggers are all around me. It is not only what she thinks they are.

What she said has been lingering in my head since then. And there is still that pain in my heart.

But then again, I need to realise that, no one will truly understand what, why & how.

No one truly understands.


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New Year New Me?

We are halfway through the first month of the new year and everyone usually has new goals & resolutions, right? I can say that I am not an excluded from this norm.

Let me start with recapping the major highlights in 2023.

  • Income through previous network marketing company was dwindling (it started dwindling since October 2021) – was not making enough to support household
  • Panic attacks become more frequent
  • Partnered with a new company with the intention of supplementing my current income at the time
  • Was immediately made out to be a black sheep of the team by influential top leaders of the company
  • Got terminated by former network marketing company
  • Realised that many of my friends (from the previous company) were only friends with me because of the business/company and that sucked (read: hurt) as hell
  • Lies & slander were spread about us (the ones who left the company). And some of them are still bitter until this very day (judging by the posts they put up).
  • Got a job working six days a week
  • Was unable to cope working six days & managing a business at the same time
  • Depressive & anxious symptoms worsened. There were days that I just could not get out of bed the whole day
  • Officially diagnosed with depression & anxiety
  • Supposed to be on meds but currently trying to manage via other alternatives
  • Took more than a month away from my business
  • Received 1 month’s notice from employer about company shutting down – last day will be on 15 January 2024

After everything that has been said & done in 2023, this new year I want to prioritise my health.

Primarily my mental health.

I want to learn how to set boundaries for myself, be kinder to myself and be less of a people pleaser. Writing these down is so easy, but it is gonna take a whole lot of work because I have been ‘programmed’ to not be like all the above for as long as I can remember. 😅

Of course, everything starts with getting closer to my Creator.

Here’s to a progress. Bismillah.


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