I am at work, dispensing medications and at the same time putting in the final touches to my presentation.
I am just saying ‘final touches’, I am sure will be touching it again tonight. Presentation is tomorrow ! Don’t know whether to be happy that it’s all gonna be over and done with soon, or to be nervous.
I emailed a copy of my slides to Mr Sunshine and his response was touching.

“Bangga saya dengan awak. Research dah almost siap walaupun banyak halangan,” he said.
Alhamdulillah.
I felt tears collecting in my eyes after receiving his sms.

Sigh.

I would not say that I have been going through terrible times (I know of others who have or are going through worse) but they’re not exactly happy times either.

And no, this has nothing to do with my love life. Or work life.
I admit work has not been a bed of roses for me but I am still continuously grateful that I actually have a job and I’m making my own money which is very important. I know all the things I experience everyday at work are invaluable lessons.
Even so, making your own money comes with a whole lot of responsibilities.
I have Daddy, Marc and Marlene, the house bills and expenses etc etc to think about.
With Daddy not getting any younger, Marc still studying and Marlene just starting university, I am supposed to be the one to take charge of everything.
I believe I have failed in providing them with a better life, and I wished I could give more. I really, really wish so. :'(
I am trying.
I already have my expenses planned out until August (the month of Syawal) if you know what I mean, and I cannot relate to those who go on shopping trips every month after pay day.
Whenever an urge to get something comes up, it will usually always be suppressed by the fact that I don’t really need it. Hence, I only buy what’s really, really necessary.
I am sorry I don’t have any new blouses or heels or handbags to talk/blog about every now and then.

I have never had to look for my own money when I was my sister’s age. Being young and immature, I worked and quit whenever I wished. I knew Mummy (I miss !) and Daddy were there to provide for us.
Circumstances have changed, and now Marlene has had to work and earn her own money to get her necessities. This fact makes me tremendously sad.
Marc has to refrain from spending too much as he only has his PTPTN money to survive on.
Daddy is now depending on me, Kak Siti and sometimes, Kak Liza.
Daddy thinks a lot. It saddens me that at his age he still has so much on his mind.
I worry about them incessantly. Mr Sunshine would be my witness to this. :'(

Nevertheless I am so truly proud of my siblings for being as strong and independent as they are right now. And Daddy for staying brave and patient through everything.
I pray that in the future we would see brighter days, InsyaAllah.
I believe He has planned all this for a reason.
If we do not taste hardship, we would not know how to appreciate His blessings.

Daddy, Marc and Marlene,
I apologize for being far from a perfect daughter and sister. I am sorry that I have failed to shower all of you with lavishness like I have always intended to and make your lives worry-free. 🙁
But you know you can count on me to try my best.

I am blessed and grateful to have you three, my best friends (you know who you are) and Mr Sunshine as my huge support system. 🙂

p/s: This was not meant to gather sympathy from anyone. Just venting. 🙂

xoxo